Critical Miss: Issue 2 [Dysfunctional Gamer Self-Diagnosis Kit]

Dysfunctional Gamer Self-Diagnosis Kit

You're probably a dysfunctional gamer in a dysfunctional gaming group if:

Deep down you're kind of relieved when you get a phone call telling you that tonight's game session is cancelled.

Most scenarios you play end during the briefing (although this is pretty normal for Paranoia scenarios).

Your characters murder hobbits.

On evenings when you can't make it your character suddenly metamorphoses into a brave, unselfish warrior who insists on going first into each encounter, and ends by heroically sacrificing himself to save his comrades. (When you call up you ask how the session went you just get told: "You died... sorry.").

You've ever had a character killed in an argument over bog (toilet) roll.

50% of campaigns get no further than the rolling-up of characters; a further 25% get no further than one play session; you've never had a campaign last more than about a dozen play sessions.

When you create characters you're thinking of ways you can kill off the other characters, selecting your skills and powers to attack their weaknesses.

When you create characters you're thinking of ways you can defend yourself against the other characters, selecing your skills and powers to counteract their strengths...

Nobody EVER plays a wizard.

The barbarian PC runs a protection racket against the other members of the party.

Your group has player(s) who just won't shut up. This typically happens when their character has gone off alone to do something, the GM has switched his or her attention back to the other players, but is constantly interrupted by the player of the absent character saying: "Oh and I do this..."

The best game sessions are the ones where no-one's up for GMing so you just sit round and chat.

You think that your game has too many players but you're scared to say this because you think the other guys might suggest that you're the surplus member.

Your group has players who constantly act on information that their characters don't actually possess (like when all players have heard the GM tell the player of one character of something his character has seen or heard - but all act upon it).

The GM lets the characters get away with murder (literally) even though the crime was blatant, no attempt was made to conceal or cover it up, and any half-decent investigator could solve the crime in the time between breakfast and lunch.

You once had a combat in a super-hero game which included six separate warring factions (three of which belonged to the player character group).

You once had a cunning plan involving gunpowder and undead chickens...

The GM once dropped an asteroid onto a city (Memphis) causing a multi-megaton explosion - just to force the characters to move in the direction the scenario said they should.

Your character dies nearly every gaming session (either you're dysfunctional or the GM is).

When two characters stumble across a set of voodoo dolls (one of each of the party) they immediately grab theirs for safe-keeping, then start playing with the others...

Thanks to MJM for suggesting some of these.

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