Thought For The Soul

Men, Women, Friendship If you ask a bloke what he looks for in a female platonic friend, he'll probably give a reply along the lines of: "someone who's trustworthy, nice, honest, funny and generally pleasant to be with". If you ask him what he looks for in a lover, he'll probably say something like: "ALL OF THE ABOVE plus I need to fancy her." (For our non-British readers, fancy is a wonderfully flexible slang word which can be used to mean anything from: "I find her sexually attractive" to "I have fallen head-over-heels in love with her, and go to sleep cuddling my pillow imagining it's her". Men can thus use it to express how they feel without looking like wankers in front of their mates). But is it the same with women? Well not from this bloke's perspective. Full disclosure: I have quite a few female platonic friends, not one of whom finds me in the slightest bit attractive, and yes, I am all bitter and twisted about things. I have recently been told that a friend of Tattoo Girl's thought I looked very nice and asked if I was available, but since he's gay and I'm not, that sentiment, whilst of some comfort to my shattered ego, is about as much use as a degree in Applied Philosophy. But women are different. For a male platonic friend they want trust, kindness and consideration. Someone whose shoulder they can cry on when their latest boyfriend dumps them. Bit of a wimp, preferably gay. But would they ever go out with that friend? No. It's not that they don't happen to fancy him, more that they can't fancy him. The very qualities that make him such a good friend, the kindness and compassion, actually disqualify him from the position of lover. A lover needs to be dangerous and exciting. Someone who exudes manhood from every pore. In short, a bastard. So that's my hypothesis: That women divide men into two separate sub-sexes - the Chimps, who they're friends with, and the Gorillas, who they sleep with. Not convinced? Then think about how they let this thinking slip into their every day conversation. You can be chatting away with a female friend of yours, in the company of some of her other female friends, when one of them will say something like: "Of course, all men are complete bastards!" Does your friend stick up for you? Does she fight your corner? No. She nods in agreement. And if you protest, muttering something like: "I'll just piss off now then shall I?" they all say: "Oh no, we didn't mean you, you're okay!" Which is worse, because what they mean is: "When we say men are bastards, we're talking about real men, with a capital M. Men that we go out with. Men that we sleep with. You're a man, not a MAN. You'll like an honorary woman." Honorary eunuch more like. The weird thing is that they seem to think this is some kind of compliment, just like they don't understand why you get upset when they call you "sensitive". So what do you reckon people? Do I have something here, or am I just a bitter, twisted geek who needs to get out more? Or both? Let us know.

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