Main Logo Ask Doctor Bubba
Contents Each issue in "Ask Doctor Bubba" we will, as experienced roleplayers, and compassionate, sensitive human beings, be available to help you with your problems. Our main intention is to help with roleplaying problems, but if you have a problem of a more general nature and are feeling particularly desperate, then hey, drop us a line.

We would particularly appreciate problems of a sexual nature.

We should point out that these letters are sent in to us by email in a pretty anonymous form. We cannot therefore guarantee the validity or truthfulness of any of these letters, especially the ones we faked ourselves.

Our first letter is from J of Monaco, who is experiencing what is, for a roleplayer, a pretty unusual girlfriend problem (the usual roleplayer's girlfriend problem being the total absence of said girlfriend).

J. Writes:

Dear Doctor Bubba,

J'aurais bien aime vous ecrire en Francais, mais je supose que vous etes l'anglais typique qui ne connait aucune autre langue que l'Anglais.

Do what..? Didn't quite catch that one mate.

I'll continue in English.

Okay... Got that one.

I am employed in a pretty exciting, glamourous and dangerous profession, and in my spare time I enjoy playing roleplaying games.

Don't want to sound stupid here, but we roleplay to get all the glamour, excitement and danger that are "real" lives are totally lacking. Why have a pretend life when you already have a real one?

I also have this girlfriend who's a pretty famous, pretty gorgeous, international star.

Again... WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO ROLEPLAY?

You've got help us a bit here mate, 'cous quite frankly we're struggling.

Anyway, she doesn't like me roleplaying. The other day she said to me: "Look baby, really nerdy people play this game. Do you really think it's the sort of thing an [deleted] should be doing? You've got to think about your image."

Now we've come to an arrangement that I'm only allowed to roleplay when she's away.

You'd want to roleplay... when she's around?

What should I do?

J.

Monaco

We have had similar letters in the past relating to girlfriend / roleplaying dilemmas

and our advice then was:


"For a start, I think you have three main priorities:

1) Don't lose the girlfriend.

2) Don't lose the girlfriend.

3) Don't lose the girlfriend.

I can't stress this whole "Don't lose the girlfriend thing" highly enough. I mean, bloody hell man, having a girlfriend puts you above about 80% of the roleplaying world."

Now I guess your case is slightly different. She's not going anywhere. She just doesn't want you roleplaying when she's around.

Pretty fair I'd say.

* * * * *

Since we wrote that reply, we've read in the press that J. has broken up with his girlfriend. We did consider removing this letter, for reasons of taste and decency, but in the end decided that, shit, it ain't like we know him personally.

Deathwishbone wrote to us from Norway with a familiar problem, women.

Dear Dr. Bubba.

What kind of doctor are you anyway?

A shit one. Have you not worked that out yet?

What Phd. Is it that you hold?

Hey! You don't need no qualifications to dole out shit advice!

Anyway, not that we've gotten that out of the way, here cometh the real reason why I'm writing:

Finally...

Like Johnny (or is that Jonny?) N., I too have problems with the fairer sex.

Go on.

He has his "cute little kiwi", Tattoo Girl. I have my Cartoon Girl. Perhaps this warrants a closer explanation.

Actually he doesn't have his cute little kiwi. That's why he's depressed, and given the fact that you're writing to us, I'm guessing that you don't have your Cartoon Girl either.

A year ago this fall, I met the most wondrous girl I've ever met. She inspired me to write poems when I missed her in the Christmas holiday (I could send you some if you want to know what she's like, expressed in a lyrical form).

Angst ridden love poetry written in Norwegian (Norveg nil pour... Norway nil points)? I think not, if it's okay with you.

Anyways, she's a goth, which suits me fine, being a Wannabe-goth, and generally playing WoD games.

So, in February (which made me shiver*), I gathered up my guts (or balls, or whatever you british call'em) and gave her the poem.

Never gunna work. Could have told ya that for free. All that it will do is freak her out.

She won't discuss it.

And it did.

Now, the Cartoon Girl bit.

I was wondering...

See, here in Norway (I'm from Norway, btw.) we have this comic strip about a girl called Nemi. She's a goth. And she looks a lot like the girl I'm in love with.

Herein lies the real problem:

Me and Lise (that's the girl I'm in love with) have had little contact recently,

I've found that given a female platonic friend love poetry can do that to a friendship.

and I've noticed that lately, I've become overtly attentive to what the cartoon character Nemi is up to in her little strip, even going so far as to buy the new magazine that features only Nemi strips.

Am I transferring my love for Lise over to Nemi?

Probably.

If this is the case, can you help me?

No.

Regards, Deathwishbone

*=See the lyrics to Miss American Pie

Some psycho from south of the Potomac wrote:

Dr. Bubba,

My friends character, (a mage) recently attain 7th level, he was so exstatic that he treated us all to a round of drinks at the local pub, while there he got so into character that he pinched the waitresses rear.

Actual sexual assault, in public, on a third party. That's not good.

When she turned around to confront him he threatened to polymorph her (he was fairly deep in his cups at this point) so we dragged him back home to contiune the game.

So let me get this straight...

This geezer is so mentally unbalanced that playing the game is starting to provoke delusional fantasies in him, leading him into lawbreaking acts... so you took him back for more.

If I didn't figure you're making this up, I might actually be getting worried. (Then again, you're American...)

We were on the 6th level of a dungeon that was loaded with undead, the very place where holy and fire spells would work wonders.

We use an optional character kits system where each level where a mage attains new spells he can pick which spheres or elemetal lists he wants them from, The numb nutz picked ice and darkness, and promptly tried to use them on the lich at the bottom of the dungeon.

Which is presumably bad?

When the entire party got fragged he blamed US, and then he demanded the money he spend on our round of drinks back!

As I'm writting this the rest of the gaming group has tied the little prick up and we need your proffessional advice.

-do we use the 2x4 or the lead pipe to bash his head in?

Violent in Virginia

Well I believe Colonel Mustard's usual choice is the lead pipe in the sitting room...

Now that Violent in Virginia has scared the living crap out of us, let's move onto a query from one of our Finish readers.

e-mail Magic Items...

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