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Ask Doctor Bubba



Well there's a world of people out there needing spiritual advice, so let's get straight down to it with the intriguingly named, HaRdCoRe_FaIrY:

Hello Bubba.

Greetings Brother HaRdCoRe_FairY!

I happen to be a member of a humanoid race named "Tsuri - Galnik" and like all Cynics (the human shorthand for "Tsuri - Galniks") I practice Hazra'a quite often.

But what is Hazra'a? Hazra'a is simply the act of shoving LRP weapons up peoples' asses while shouting "Huzratta!!!" . And that's where my problem begins:

People know that i'm a Cynic, and therefore they will not sleep in the same room with me for fear I'll practice Hazra'a on them in thier sleep. Problem is, that's just what i'm trying to do.

So, any way to get people to fall asleep in my presence so I may shove LRP weapons up thier asses?

Well before we discuss the issue of how you shove LRP weapons up the chocolate highways of your sleeping victims, we first need to discuss the ethics of such a practice. We, as Jamesians, must live our lives by the principle of "What would James do?" so we must first consider the question of whether James would shove a latex clad weapon up someone's arsehole.

We do this, of course, by consulting the Book of James.

Responses 1, Verse 11 has the following to say on the subject of non-consensual anal insertion: "I did at one point think about having the barge captured by big smelly river-pirates, who would tie up and forcibly bugger anyone who tried to take it back off them."

Now that could be interpreted as having a certain sympathy for your intended course of action. As to how to get them to go to sleep, Sayings 7, Verse 8 says the following on the subject of sleep: "I once did three and a half days -- 84 hours - without sleep, and walked away from it with a world record. I believe one of the othe participants (there were nine of us, plus a support team) may lurk here."

It is clear therefore that if you want to shove latex weapons up people's arseholes you need to keep them awake for more than three and a half days before you make the attempt, after which a deep sleep will result. (Clearly, if the Prophet's limit is three and a half days without sleep, then that figure will easily suffice for mere mortals such as ourselves).

BTW, what do you think of my name? (HaRdCoRe_FaIrY) cool, huh?

All names are equal among Jamesians, Brother HaRdCoRe_FairY.

Our next plea for spiritual help comes from Amy:

Dear Dr. Bubba-

Yes, I am female.

Welcome Sister Amy.

Yes, I am an RPer. Yes, I am single. No, I will not sleep with you.

Of course not, for I am not one of the Committee. [Sayings 9, Verse 15]

I am, however, having romantic problems with my current group. We're in the middle of a Vamp:Masquerade game, and one of the other people in our group (let's call him, 'Jackass') has been trying to get me to sleep with him for quite some time now, and every game we play, Jackass' sole concern is getting into my chars pants. Additionally, Jackass refuses to stop calling me (my ST (let's call him 'Assface') gave him my number.)

I've tried telling Jackass to knock it off, and he won't. What should I do?

-Not Interested in Jackassman

Well the first question is should you be trying to get Jackass to "knock it off"? The Prophet himself did speak on the subject of the suitability of a man as a husband for a woman when he said: "It was literally a few weeks ago that I glanced at my mother's maiden name and consciously realised for the first time that she had lived the first 35 years of her life as B. A. Whalley." [Sayings 7, Verse 2].

Now obviously, you wouldn't want to go through life as Mrs Jackassman - but I'm guessing that's not his real name? However, if you really want to get rid of him have you considered using the phrase "fantasy role-play" as an insult? As the Prophet himself points out, such a course of action will swiftly lead to the dissolution of any relationship [Sayings 2, Verse 6].

Our next mail is a plea for help from Pablo:


Should I forget about RPG and get into adult life once and for all?


My rpg group is higly disfunctional.

They only accept me as GM.

Working and studying leaves little time to prepare games.

Now I have money to get into a more expensive hobby.


I'll miss having people live inside a world created by me.

I feel my imagination rot if I'm not preparing some kind of game.

What if the quick thinking really came from having to create adventures "on the fly" and will disappear if unused?

My future wife is an experienced roleplayer (and she's amazingly beautiful! No wonder entire groups fought for her for years).

After so many years I feel like having played every single type of game possible. (maybe that's caused by my imagination drying).

Thanks for your attention.

P.S.: My english is awful, so if you manage to understandand it and want to answer, feel free to alter the text to make it readable.

No need to apologise for your English Pablo, for we are all equal in the eyes of James. But this is an easy question to answer, for Jamesian theology is clear on this point: it is the duty of all Jamesians to roleplay, and attempt to make us worthy of the Prophet, that he might return to our world [Creation 5, Verse 1].

And now we have a mail from one of our simian followers:

just a few more questions.

Fire away Brother Monkey!

Living in the usa, my main source of nourishment is McDonalds. My brother and i often debate exactly what the hamburger 'meat' is made from. My brother says its made out of old newspapers, i say from homeless people. Which of us is right?

Well it's not really relevant. As the prophet said: ""And I'm vegetarian (living proof that if you eat you greens you grow up big and strong), so let's have some meatless stuff or I shall be forced to vent my displeasure upon you". [Sayings 1, Verse 5]

as for more of a sexual nature...

A few days ago, as i'm having sex with my girlfriend, she says 'treat me like an animal.' Long story short, as i'm filling out paperwork in the emergency room while she is being treated for damages due to having a firecracker go off in her butt, i couldnt help but feel partly responsible. Am i just being oversensitive?


Reverend Monkey 'jack torance' smasher, Ph.d

Well we have already covered the theological issue of the rights and wrongs of forcing items up people's backsides, and have delivered a cautious yes. As to the issues of sex itself, the Prophet appears to say that its acceptability or otherwise is related to the classes of those involved when he said: "those of us in the upper-middle class have been screwing the working classes for _centuries_."

My interpretation of that is that as long as you are upper-middle class and your girlfriend is working class then you're in the clear and need not feel responsible.

Our next letter is a short question from mjs:

Is there any real difference between LARPing and "dogging?"

Well the Book of James doesn't go into details of LARPing, which leads us in something of a theological dilemma: we know it is our duty to roleplay, but does that include LARPs? It is also silent on the subject of wife-swapping and other practices, but it does mention this on the subject of dogs:

"I used to have a dog (a long-legged wire-coate working Jack Russell) who would join in conversations. The family would be sitting aroun talking, and he'd jump onto the sofa, cock his head on one side and go, "Aroo whoro worororow" in what was, for a dog, a fairly good approximation of human voice-sounds. To his ear, I'd guess, he was just doing what we were doing, and since we talked to him, he should be allowed to talk to us." [Sayings 3, Verse 4]

Hope that helps.

Our next mail is from a gamesmaster in Sweden:

Hey Dr Bubba.

Greetings Brother Swedish Gamesmaster!

Well...I'm mostly just bored, and when I'm bored I write stuff.

If you have nothing else to do, you should be roleplaying. If you have no-one to roleplay with then you should be writing new-style-style roleplaying games!

In the last year I have been Gamemastering two groups, one that's been going on forever, old friends and so, and one new. In the new group we are 4 people, including me, and there is one girl in it. (here's the part where you say something smart).

We have no need to "say something smart". We have the Book of James to speak for us.

No, I don't want to have sex with her, sorry to disapoint you.

It is okay, as long as you're upper-middle class, and she isn't.

Thing is, she moved in with her boyfriend some time ago, which wasn't really a problem, we could still game. Thing was she got totally nuts about living together with a person that shared her bed. After only 2 monts of that she was going insane, not wanting to go home at all, not wanting to see her boyfriend. (who was really very nice, and she thought so too).

Has she considered using the phrase "fantasy role-play" as an insult?

During that period she often stayed with me or one other of my old friends, (no sex though :) who was gaming with her. She had to move, and both of us had to move, were still living at our parents houses. Since we were getting along so good, it sounded like a good idea to move to an apartment together.

(bubba funny again)

We still have the Book of James. We still, therefore, have no need to "say something smart".

After the moving in was set, the apartment fixed, then the other two got it together.

That's not a problem in general, but she freaked out when living with a boyfriend, she moved because of she moves in with another one?


On other matters, the old campaign is still played, and since 2 of us lives here, we play it here. And she can't join. We won't let her, and she understands that bit, but it still makes a gamer sad to be left out.

Another woman who is sad to be left out is my girlfriend (haha, that's why I don't want the other girl), who feels that I am keeping her away from a big part of my life. Which is correct.

Seriously, who wants to play with their gf? It seems more likely to stall the game than improve it.

What was my point?

To be honest, we're not quite sure ourselves.

Don't know for sure. Nothing, perhaps. I'm just rambling.

Be well / Gamemaster, sweden

Be well Brother Swedish Gamesmaster.

RM Tregg wrote in to say:

Dear Dr. Budda,

Dr Budda? Are you sure that Jamesianity is the religion that you wish to contact?

What do you do about player you know is going to screw up? We have a guy in our group who is asaccident prone as it is possible to be in game. My favorite example is the time the town we were rebuilding had an assain running around in it. We gathered the civis together to keep them out of the way while we hunted the man down, and they were nice and calm till our loyal cleric informs them, and I quote, "They're trying to kill us. But it's okay, they have a reason." One of our members has takin to waking him in the head with a book when ever he sticks his foot in his mouth. While I understand the frustration, I don't agree with the method. Any suggestions?


RM Tregg

Sometime people are what they are and cannot be changed. As the Prophet himself said: "It's because he's a cunt." [Sayings 1, Verse 4]

A brother from Peru wrote us the following letter:

Dr. Bubba I have a problem, since I started playing D&D all of my parties were full of munchkins; ... and I think that I can't follow living this way... A month ago I started to have nightmares with munchkins.... what can I do? here in Perú is also hard to find rpgamers.... so what can I do? I don't want to keep playing with munchkins... but I neither want to stop playing...

Well as we have previously discussed, it is your Jamesian duty to roleplay. Your question though, is whether this duty still applies when the only people you have to roleplay with are munchkins. Well the prophet does suggest that munchkins perhaps ought to be playing "the Glass Bead Game" [Sayings 9, Verse 13]. We're not quite sure what this is, but we think it leaves you free to stop playing if you should wish.

That's all for this month. Please do keep sending us further life dilemmas, and we will attempt to use the guidance we find in the Book of James to advise you.

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