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Paul sent a letter to our letters page containing his NAMG, "Mujahedeen: The Martyrdom":

Step 1: The Theme Of The Game Is The Character You Play

In this game the players take on the exciting role of suicide bombers hoping to earn themselves a place in paradise by killing as many people as possible

Step 2: Call It "Something: The Something Else"

Welcome to the world of "Mujahedeen: The Martyrdom"

Step 3: Set It In A World Almost Like Our Own

The world of Mujahedeen: The Martyrdom is similar to the modern day, except, slightly darker... An American coalition struggles to impose order on war torn Iraq... The body count continues to rise in Israel and Palestine... And a deadly game of cat and mouse is played in the mountains of Afghanistan. Hmmm, actually, it's _exactly_ like the modern day.

Step 4: Have Some Overall "Purpose"

The Purpose in Mujahedeen: The Martyrdom is no less than worldwide conquest! In an excrutiatingly long and detailed description of the history of the middle east from the sixth century onwards, the players will be presented with a compelling treatment of why Allah demands that they hunt the non-believers and slaughter them in as brutal a manner as they can devise.

Step 4a: Contradict The Purpose

In "Apostate: The Fatwa", it is revealed that the Mujahedeen have got it wrong and actually Islam is quite peaceful. Apostate: The Fatwa offers a whole new level of roleplaying challenges as the players act as ex-Mujahedeen with a death sentence who in turn take on a new identity and hide in the west.

Step 5: Powerful Nemesis

Most adventures undertaken by the characters will be against the all-powerful, sinister Zionist world conspiracy that controls all the governments, financial institutions and big businesses of the world. The all-powerful, sinister Zionist world conspiracy will be depicted as so utterly evil that the chapter about them in the core rulebook will actually just be one big disclaimer about how they should never actually be included in a game. The Players Guide to the Elders of Zion will be released about a year after second edition comes out

Step 6: Have Groups / Tribes / Clans / Sects / Guilds Etc.

Players may choose to play a character from on of the following groups:

Al-Qaeda: Al-Qaeda are the rulers of the Mujahedeen issuing edicts and videotapes from their mountain hideouts, they tend to have high social attributes and excellent scores in 'resources'.

Hamas: Hamas Mujahedeen most frequently operate in Israel/Palestine, most recently they have been increasing their scores in the tunnelling and climbing attributes to aid their continued struggle against the all-powerful, sinister Zionist world conspiracy.

Hizballah: Hizballah are a popular group for characters in Lebannon. The often taken "Ally: Syria" advantage makes them the natural choice for powergamers.

Jamiat-ul-Mujahideen: A highly militarized group operating in Kashmir, they are often shunned by other groups for their belief in an all-powerful, sinister Hindu world conspiracy of equal importance to the Zionists which is obviously false. Guide to the all-powerful, sinister Hindu world conspiracy will be released in due course.

Alternatively players may choose to play none of these groups and may instead make up a "nutter with a downloaded copy of the anarchist cookbook" character.

Step 6a: The Dead Group

Some among the Mujahedeen whisper of the Assassins, a secret order of Muslims founded in the 12th century who terroriszed and killed Christian Crusaders. Mostly they whisper about what munchkins they were.

Step 6b: The Evil Group

The "CIA" and "Mossad" groups both fall into this category.

Step 7: Extra Powers

Characters in Mujahedeen: The Martyrdom have a special "indoctrination" rating which allows them to avoid the need for fear checks, conscience checks, and gives bonuses on willpower checks to detonate a bomb that they are wearing.

Step 8: No Advantages Or Disadvantages

No sir, no advantages and disadvantages in this game. "The Players Guide to Jihad: The Camps of Afghanistan" (out in three months) will include a variety of new powers. In case sales begin to dip work has already begun on "The Secrets of the Assassins" which will feature amazing infiltration powers and new fighting techniques and "Dirty Bomb" the rules for weapons of mass destruction.

Step 9: Make The Character Sheet Crap

To add an authentic flavour, the character sheet will be written entirely in Arabic.

Step 10: Use Archaic Terminology

The core rulebook for Mujahedeen: The Martyrdom will feature a 20-page lexicon featuring authentic Arabic words. Written in Arabic script.

Step 11: Don't Call The Party, The "Party"

Groups of player characters will be referred to as cells.

Step 12: Catchy Phrases

Each player should come up with something suitable to shout just before he blows his character up. More experienced groups may want to act out an entire suicide video before heading off for the mission.

Step 13: LARP

Suggested locations for a LARP game of Mujahedeen: The Martyrdom include the London Underground, Heathrow Airport and outside the Houses of Parliament.

Step 14: The T-Shirts

We anticipate our most popular T-Shirt design being the one depicting explosives strapped around the waist to make the wearer look like he is actually a suicide bomber.

Step 15: The Second Edition

A Second Edition, increasing the blast radius of most explosives by 50%, and with new rules for modifying elections will be hitting stores in two years time.

Heather also sent in a NAMG, Office Politics: The Backstabbing

Step 1: This one is easy: whatever job you can think of that would be played in an office (in this case, Mortgage Advisors)

Step 2: See above ;)

Step 3: Set in a world almost like our own, with entities who appear to be fully functioning human beings. However, look closer, and you will see the slightly haunted expression, the pale complexion, and the black soul-less eyes of the true office worker. The action is set in Retail Sales Direct, guidebooks for Accounts, Mortgage Service Centre, and the Chelmsford Survey Office to follow.

Step 4: The purpose: due to crap investment by senior directors who get paid far too much, the race is on to build up the mortgage market share by incorporating the brand vision and statements to grow the value of customers and retain their business blah blah blah blah Basically the characters have to hit their targets or they get the sack. Sorry, they get downsized.

Step 4a: The 'Customer Service Manual' is published, stating that customer service is more important than screwing the bastards for all they're worth. All characters immediately wish they hadnt put all of their points into commercialism.

Step 5: The Nemesis: A shadowy organisation known only as the BIG 4, who control the markets with an iron grip. Notorious for their shabby service, they have nonetheless managed to gull the 'real' world into believing that they are trustworthy. They never appear in person, instead only sending out their emissary, an irritating little shit named 'Howard' who wears jam jar glasses, a badly fitting suit and has an ill advised tendency to break into song.

Step 6: Groups: The Brownnoser - these are the people who really get ahead in the game by relentless arse licking. Primary stats: fawning, snivelling, diplomacy Useless stats: dignity, morality, likeability. All brownosers receive -6 soul points to start.

The Bitch - you know the one, usually tall skinny and blonde, the Bitch makes up for lack of either tits or a personality by being nice to you and then telling everyone your darkest secrets. Primary stats: carping, sarcasm, lying. Useless stats: happiness, likeability, totty. All Bitches receive an extra face at creation.

The Team Player - tries to motivate the team to hit their targets and avoid downsizing. Relentlessly cheerful. Primary stats: gullible, motivation, inspiration. Useless stats: knowledge, sarcasm. Receives +6 soul points but -6 from wordly knowledge.

The Slacker - slumped behind a terminal pretending to be busy whilst actually playing pitch'n'putt. Does the minimum possible to evade detection. Primary stats: apathy, idleness, sloth. Useless stats: motivation, eagerness, likeability. All slackers receive curvature of the spine for free.

Additional classes available to buy as box sets including The Ladder Climber, the Career Dead-ender and many others!!

Step 6a: The Dead Group: The Fulfilled Workers

Step 7: Powers: Cross-Sales and Working the Fax come as standard with most characters. Other special powers such as Spotting the Sales Opportunity come with time and experience. Operating the Vending Machine is a random skill.

Step 8: Advantages/Disadvantages. Included in the character creation part of the first release are instructions to create/modify characters with certain attributes such as soul points. The impact of this lengthy process is not actually felt until 3 months later when the relevant guides are published.

Step 9: The character sheets will be drawn by hand and then faxed several times over, before being photocopied. This gives them the authentic office look as well as ensuring that they are impossible to read.

Step 10: Obscure words: Charisma = Brand Vision. Insert your own office wankspeak here.

Step 11: The 'party' is to be called 'sales'.

Step 12: 'Because life's shit enough' 'Making customers lives harder''Who gives you extra?'

Step 13: LARP? It's already happening, my friend ;)

Step 14: Already done - get yours from the branch now!

Step 15: The second edition will contain more wanky classes and pointless attribute enhancements. Will also be accompanied by the release of new editions of all previous sourcebooks, making everything you already own irrelevant, and sending teenage fanboy sluts into orgasms of delight.

What do you think of this article?

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