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Scaring Andy


This is an idea I came up with once, about how the people at Sky TV could play a trick on Andy Grey, who is one of their sports presenters. I have no idea why I thought of this, but I did.

For those of you who don't know, British Sky Broadcasting - to give them their proper name - are a satellite TV station in the UK, who - amongst other things - broadcast most of the major football (soccer) matches. There main sports team consists of three people.

Richard Keyes, who hosts the studio panel.

Martin Tyler, who is the main commentator.

Andy Grey, a former footballer turned well-regarded broadcaster, who is what I believe is termed the "colour commentator".

Now before I go any further, and possibly get sued, I want to make something very clear. This is simply an idea I came up with about how his Andy Grey's colleagues could play a joke on him. I am NOT suggesting that what I am about to describe every would or could happen at Sky TV. In fact, I think the reason I find it funny is that I can't imagine Martin Tyler - who comes across as a very polite sort of chap - ever saying the things I have "scripted" for him.

Here's the plan. They wait until there is a football match involving a club whose previous match resulting in a heavy defeat for them.

Let's say that this match (on Sunday) is between Chelsea and Leicester City, and that Leicester's previous match on Wednesday was against Arsenal, who beat them by four goals to nil. And it's about fifteen minutes before the start of the match.

Now Andy would hear Richard's voice in his earphones, saying something like: "Let's just go over to Martin and Andy and hear what they have to say" and would be told by the producer that he and Martin were now broadcasting live.

They wouldn't be live of course. In fact, the channel would be on an advertising break. Martin Tyler (who would be in on the joke) would know that.

But poor old Andy would not.

Martin would lead the talk so that it went something like:

Martin: What effect do you think Wednesday's result will have on Leicester?

Andy: Well it was a very heavy defeat---

Martin: [Cutting in] It certainly was! [Putting on "accent"] When I were a lad in the playground, we'd have said that Arsenal gave Leicester a damn good *buttfucking*!

Andy: [Presumably talking in a bit of a squeaky voice at this point and desperately attempting to get things back to normal] Yes... well... certainly it will have given Peter Taylor some things to think about...

Martin: [Ignoring him and burbling on happily] Yes! Leicester certainly know who's Daddy now!

I have no idea why I thought of that. But there's no way I could make a Critical Miss article out of it, so I won't bother.

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