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CLIQUE: The Uncollectable, Unplayable Card Game



By Syn (

Ever wandered around your local game shop, club or a convention, and seen a group of card geeks, huddled together as they play the latest CCG? There they sit, with their piles of rare cards, talking in what seems like another language. Excluding you by the mere fact that you haven't got a clue what they're on about, and haven't the required several hundred pounds to spend on acquiring a deck that would match theirs. Ever been annoyed by this? Of course you have, and not only have you thought 'bunch of sad bastards', you've also considered how to get your own back..

That's where CLIQUE comes in..

Clique is a card game like no other. It is unique in that each set of cards is different, the cards have no real meaning, and the game is unplayable. The idea behind Clique is to befuddle, confuse and distress those sad CCG-playing bastards.

This is how it works:

Start by assembling a collection of flashy cards. Each card needs a striking image: battle scenes, castles, weapons, nude ladies etc. You can probably find suitable images on the net - just search using the words 'battle', 'orcs', 'hardcore', 'weapons', 'anal' and so on.

Print off these images to make the cards, leaving a space for some text.

Now add a little bit of rules nonsense to each card, anything that looks like it's supposed to mean something. Examples include:

'+1 In/out (Not with action card)'

'Affects Gobloid attack once'

'-3 tap if anal phase'

'cancels Jizm defence'

Now comes the fun bit. Choose a prominent place for yourself and a group of friends to "play". The location should be a place where the card geeks can get a good look, such as the centre table of your local games club. Then, start playing the game.

Yes, I know, there are no rules. The CCG geeks don't know that there are no rules however. All you have to do is sound like you're playing a game. Just adopt an incomprehensible "gamespeak" that'll have the geeks scratching their heads. Typical dialogue could be as follows:

Player 1 "My action. I'll clam for three, then tap my colon."

Player 2 "Damn, I'll use a sticky defence, take four moderate sighs."

Player 3 "Hmm, I think I have an opportunity here. I declare moot."

Player 4 "No way, I stop your moot with counter-rimming."

And so on...

Should one of the sad geeks pluck up the courage to ask how the game is played, launch into a monologue of absolute nonsense:

"The game starts with four phases of six alternating sections, each allowing play and counter play of action or turn direction cards. You can play a card following any manoeuvre which precedes the use of activity plays, providing you have the requisite power grade, which is determined by the count of the bonus modifiers. When you play...."

At this point watch for the eyes as they acquire the unmistakable 'I have switched off' sheen. It's guaranteed that the geek won't have the nerve to admit that he doesn't understand...

You can continue playing for as long as you like (it is suggested that a score of three befuddled geeks is a good victory). The game ends with one player faking a tantrum, then it's off to the pub for a few pints.

What do you think of this article?

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