Main Logo In My Humble Opinion
Contents Big E wrote:

First of all great zine...really amusing.

Thanks.

Interesting comment on the d%, however if you stop cheating and roll both dice together it does not make a sod of difference ...any combination has1 in 100 chance of turning up..cunning for % dice! It does not matter if you count 00-49 or 01-50 still 50 good results for a 50% chance.

How is it cheating to roll one dice at a time?

In my limited experience books are written with range 1-10, 21-30 rather than 0-9 or 20-29 probably cos most people dont know jack about computers...

So roll both dice together and stop the agony...if you only got one d10 stop being so tight and buy another...

I've got loads of D10s... I just like rolling them one at a time.

Big E

who does not give a shit which range you use as long as I know before I roll...



Frank J. Perricone wrote:

I've been reading your "Roleplaying in {area}" articles in each issue and they're fascinating. However there's definitely a recurring theme. "I live in {area}, and all those preconceptions you've gotten from Hollywood about {area} are wrong, and here's the real scoop...." Even thought that scoop is invariably informative, the lead-in is a bit repetitive, a rule that cries out for an exception. So here's my entirely unique and original submission to this article series, for your publication:

-- begin article

Roleplaying in New England

I live in New England, and all those preconceptions you've gotten from Hollywood are true. Have fun.

-- end article

:)

(Okay, not quite *all* of them, but trust me, the Hollywood version of New England makes a much better setting for your RPG than reality, so let's not scrutinize too closely.)

I eagerly look forward to many plaudits, the respect and admiration of my peers, and a big fat check, after my highly original and different article is published in a place of high honor in your next issue. Thank you. :)

Plaudits, respect and cash. Well two out of three ain't bad.

Frank J. Perricone (hawthorn@mail.com)

http://www.sover.net/~hawthorn/



Kitten wrote:

When you and your friends go to a bar, do you:

A: Get a bit drunk, a bit miserable, whine a bit about the opposite sex, stagger out for some fast food and optionally a quiet puke.

[This sounds suspiciously like the prelude to a dungeon crawl.]

B: Hit the dance floor in your expensively tailored suit, dance with several attractive and eligible women, select one and take her home to your penthouse apartment for a night of athletic sex.

[You might be an RPG spy, or you might be Hugh Hefner.]

C: Randomly bump into a bloke in trench coat and shades called Mr Johnson who, for no apparent reason, offers you all a large amount of money to undertake a quasi-legal security operation.

[You live in Latin America.]

You have gone on a road trip driving holiday (vacation) through the continental USA with four other blokes. The five of you know each other because...

A: The five of you were friends at school.

[Um, yeah, we new each other in school. That's why our totally unrelated characters hang out with each other, despite severe differences in lifestyle, moral outlook, and motivations. So obvious, come on. Do better.

Erm... actually I have been on holiday with people I knew at school.

[In real life, you know lots of people from various happenstances. You didn't all go to the same school, you aren't all related, and you don't all have the same alignment.]

B: One of you put an advert in a paper asking for participants in a driving holiday.

[A little weird. But I've known such trips to occur. Sounds suspiciously like you are all going to be killed by Shoggoths, though.]

C: You've never thought about it... but come to mention it - you have absolutely no idea who these people are, or how the hell you came to be on holiday with them.

[See, this sounds like my college weekends. ]

Do you keep your life savings:

A: In a bank account.

[Reasonable. Normal. Predictable. A likely state for a modern PC.]

B: In a locked safe at your home.

[Many GM's will growl at you if you try to claim this. But it's possible.]

C: In your backpack.

[This is quite reasonable for a travelling artist/hippie/drug dealer. Any sensible GM will yell at players who try to claim that super-heroes, powerful magicians, or chromed street samurais with luxury cars do this. ]

In your opinion is Jonny Nexus:

A: A really stupid name.

[ Only rpg characters expect names to make sense. I went to a school with a girl named Crystal Chandelier.]

Hippy parents?

B: A bit of a stupid name.

C: A perfectly normal name.

[Sure, why not? Who the hell would name an RPG character this? You need to pick something believable.]

If you are a woman:- When asked to describe yourself, you say:

A: I'm aged such-and-such. I live in wherever with my parents/ boyfriend/husband. I work as a whatever with whomever.

[You will be eaten by shambling undead. You shouldn't have spent all your points on psychic talents, a decent running speed and some weapon skills would have helped you.]

B: I work as a commodities dealer in the City. I live in a 400,000 flat in Docklands, and spend weekends with my boyfriend in his holiday home in France.

[Okay. Pretty snazzy. You either have a sweet life, or your spent your points well.]

C: I'm 5'9" and 125 pounds. I have pert 34D breasts, platinum-blond, spiky hair and red sharpened fingernails. I wear silver lipstick, black stilettos with black armour-plated stockings, a leather jacket and a short black mini-skirt.

[This sounds suspiciously like some of the crowd I run with.]

How fast can you run?

A: Dunno. Last time I ran for a bus I nearly had a heart attack.

[See, that's what happens when you beef up IQ and DX but ignore HT.]

B: Well at school I could do the 100 metres in under twelve seconds.

C: I can walk 1.1 meters per second, jog 2.2 metres per second and sprint 8.8 metres per second.

[ You gym fanatic, you.]

If you are English:- When faced with a puma or other dangerous animal you would:-

A: It isn't going to happen, since there are no pumas in England, except in zoos or maybe Bodmin Moor.

[Animals escape from zoos rarely. Hence, it stretches the limits of belief in coincidence. In real life, it does happen periodically.]

B: Approach with caution, but be safe in the knowledge that it is probably more scared than me.

C: Query the people around me to find out who has the best AC and most hitpoints as these things are damn dangerous and the last one nearly ate the whole party.

[Ah, you hang out with RPG geeks.]

When it comes to morality and rights and treating people as individuals, do you believe that:

A: Every person's a special individual and should be treated accordingly.

[Unrealistic, but common enough for altruistic rpg characters. I mean, how many Lawful Good people do you know in real life?]

B: Some people are just dodgy on account of their birth.

[Pretty typical thinking for a big chunk of the population.]

C: Some people are members of species who are inherently evil, and as such, going on expeditions with the express intention of slaughtering anyone who belongs to these species is not only acceptable, but is in fact laudable.

[If you're in an RPG campaign, it's a disturbingly realistic one. I have some reservations about running campaigns set in Nazi Germany or Renaissance Spain, but with mature players, in could be interesting. It is likely you are a modern, real-world skinhead.]

Or you are playing in a typical fantasy campaign where it's apparently okay to ethnically clense orcs and goblins.



Paul wrote:

Discovered your e-zine with the last issue and thoroughly enjoyed it. You have hit the nail on the head with a great many of your gamer observations. I am writing to comment of the live-action Vampire game endured by Archimedes. His description fits with many of my own observations of the games that I have been involved in. I remember buying the Vampire: The Masquerade rules and thinking that I had just discovered the coolest new game to be released in a long time. I table-topped it a few times but then discovered that people were doing it 'live-action'. Man, I thought, this can only get better! Of course I forgot that it would be other gamers doing this and not aspiring thespians committed to their craft. I had visions of high-brow improvisational theater dancing through my head, sort of I, Claudius with a David Bowie edge. Oops. it turned out to be Dark Shadows at the Laundromat.

But I stuck with it. I played four different times before throwing in the towel. Gah! A more odd group of damaged little people you are unlikely to find outside of confinement. What does a group of Jerry Springer casting call rejects do when they aren't being 'ignored' in some Goth chat room? Easy. Live Action Vampire! Let's ham our way through paper thin plots hatched in junior high school hallways. There is nothing to compare with the alcoholic-at-rock-bottom epiphany that you have been spending hours of your life playing paper-scissor-rock with some inept social troglodyte in a dirty Danzig t-shirt, with a piece of paper pinned to it that says 'Armani suit'.

I sortof figured that people would dress in character.

I ran like hell back to the gold-chased marble citadel of AD&D (I'm way old school) and have only recently looked back. I know there are some good live-action Vampire games out there, you just have to hunt for them. I recently found one that required references and had a lower age limit. A bit pretentious, I suppose, but it certainly beats the surprise of getting tossed out the window by Flab the Impaler just for drinking a Coke. Of course, the saving grace of all those Vampire LARPs is that women go to them.

Really? Do they like beards?

Anyway, great 'zine. Keep up the good work.

pleff@hotmail.com



James Jarvis wrote on the subject of ending a campaign:

wow , A new Critical Miss and you have an article which is so very close to my heart right now, ending my frigging campaign. I started my current campaign about a year and a half ago and I reallllyyyy want to stop playing in that damn campaign and even the f'n game and start up an old fashioned DnD dugeon crawl campaign. My current camapign was only ment to last about 3 months, they were supposed to figure out what to do and defeat the bad guys, they (the players) just keep fouling up and going all over the place avoiding the main plot. Well after reading the fine article on ending it all I'm gonna do the suckers in, tonight (unless of course they screw this up to) the players are going to be transported in the freindly neighborhood matter-transporter chamber not back to their hoime base but into the heart of the mega-villains main base, during a real big pre WWII style rally, with lots and lots of armed troops.

This would be the overwhelming slaughter in one go technique.

But of course tI'm going to have to work very hard to make sure they don't:

A. defeat the villain and all his bad guys and fail to get the clue when i say "Great guys you won. What do you want to play next week?"

B. fail to go back into the matter-transporter chamber, despite stating they wanted to do so for 6 weeks now.

C. Somehow escape without being wiped out to a man, low probablity but then you never know.

D. join the villain, i roleplay a bit, they all could become genius roleplayers all of a sudden not only talk the villain into not killing them , but joining up with him. Not likely but if tyhey all do fabulous... oh heck thi isn't going to happen i'm gonna toast their asses.

E. stumble arround doing paperwork and getting caught up in idle chat while attempting to reach the matter-transporter chamber , but going the wrong route, forcing me to use encounters I don't want to any more, I don't wan tthe game to suck

i want them to want to play my next campaign but sometimes they just can't do anything right....



James Jarvis wrote again, this time on the subject of whether women shit:

Yes women shit.

Really?

My wife unfailingly decides she has gotta take a crap just before "the fight of the night" every time during our weekly rpg game. I just wish she would change her diet. She plays in our weekly game just to give me another reason to love her so much.

I can believe that she shits. What I truely cannot believe is that you have chosen to tell us. Does she know about this?

me "okay guys what are you going to do"

others "hey where is your wife? We can't assault lord Evil without her!!"

me "she must be upstaris taking a crap"

others "well lets give her a couple of minutes"

15 minutes later : me (yelling up the stairs towards the bathroom) "Honey we'd really like to get back to the game. Can you plaese hurry up" wife : *^&^&%*^&%*^&%*!!!

5 minutes later (the toilet flushes and we all hear the bathroom sink running)

everyone but my wife: "So did you drop the kids off at the pool? How was the turtle? so you have 3 miles more intestines then the rest of us? Eat more fiber."

wife: "What, I was just powdering my nose."

- James D. Jarvis



An alledgedly insane genius wrote in about the whole chimp gorilla:

I have to say I agree with it.

I was a geeky kind of kid at school and got picked on a lot. I never got close to the birds. Some kids will cry when picked on, or tell the teachers. I experimented with these but eventually tried fighting back.

With fists.

As opposed to the standard American geek's technique of turning up at school with dad's hunting rifle saying: :"Now you'll all be sorry!"

I found I was quite well built for it and it actually worked. Just as a giraffe looks a bit weird but can scare off a pride of lions(this is true), I looked frail but was merely very agile. That plus the fact that I got more fighting experience than anyone else did(I'm not paranoid or anything but they all had it in for me).

I started winning fights, and suddenly I was a babe magnet. I still avoided fights where possible, but fought my corner well when I couldn't avoid it. But all the chicks wanted me, though I was never really told why.

Now I live in normal society and I don't get into fights. And I still look frail and geeky, and girls assume I wouldn't last 2 seconds in a fight(I know this to be true because they have told me). And I haven't had a girlfriend for years.

Well that fits the theory.



Sunnyface wrote, saying "I live in sunny Sacremento...

...and the article was right on target. Just wanted to congratulate the author on a job well done.

I'm sure he'll be glad to hear it.



Phill Calle wrote about our gaming record:

I have to explain my vote. From the facts that you gave, the reaction was not just psychotic, but wasteful as well (a couple of fireballs and a potentially friendly npc were lost) since an air elemental that throws pots of paint does not seem so dangerous.

Hey guy! You weren't there.

Even if the air elemental had been dangerous, you should be careful with a seemingly friendly npc. Of course the npc can hose you, but worse, he or she can actually be friendly, and if you kill the poor slob, you will have upset the GM, who spent precious time crafting the npc. At this point, you can say good-bye to the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the night (or longer, if the GM is spiteful).

Well it was a published scenario.

Phill Calle
juan-calle@msn.com



Phill Calle continued:

The gorillas and chimps theory is a good one, but we have to look at why it happens, and what we can do about it. Imagine that a reasonably attractive female acquaintance of yours visits you one night and tells you all about her awful boyfriend, how insensitive he is, and how she wishes that he could be more like you.

...But without the beard, right?

Well, you comfort her, and you feel like a knight in shining armor. That feeling is addictive, and that is why we are chimps. We like being liked by women. Even when women trash men and say, "but not you," well, that's better than nothing. A lot better. Or at least it seems that way. Of course, as they trash men, the pass you by, probably not even bothering to mention you to friends of theirs who are single.

Yet there is a solution. Just be honest, both with yourself and with the women you talk to. Admit to yourself that your attractive friend with the lousy boyfriend is not going to leave him for you (or be savvy enough to recognize the difference between a woman using sympathy to make herself available and a women just seeking sympathy). Since she is not going to leave him, just enjoy the feeling of being the white knight, but don't torture yourself over the damsel choosing the dragon over you.

Yeah, but it's not just one damsel, is it?

With women who trash men, honesty means telling the women the truth about men: men have a lot of really good qualities. Specifically, the men in their lives who they are trashing are probably good people. If they tell that you just don't understand because you're a guy, great! You are no longer an "honorary woman." Just make sure to be confident, but not rude, when you tell them the truth.

Phill Calle
juan-calle@msn.com



Evil Jesse wrote:

OK, great fucking mag, absolutely excellent.

Thank you.

Every roleplayer I know is dysfuckingfunctional (I don't think a fully functional roleplayer actually exists, its just an urban myth like the bad pint or the woman with the lobster in the bath.) I've started and stopped so many campaigns recently and now you've given me an excellent way to get out of it other than just saying I can't be bothered and want to try something new.

Glad to be of assistance.

Oh, and here's the maths bit...

Will you all please shut the fuck up about boring fucking maths shit. For christ's sake are you people even roleplayers or do you just type maths arguments into your search engine and then get all anal when someone mentions something you don't like. Roleplaying's suppose to be having fun, not whingeing like a bitch about 0.fucking9 recurring. If you don't like percentiles then don't play games that use them. Stop playing fucking d&d and play Feng Shui instead, that only uses 2dfucking6!

Well if you recall, the original article was supposed to be boring. That was the point. (So that it came bottom of the ratings... Except that it came near the top, because people won't do what they're told, and voted it loads of sevens.).

OK, maths rant over. Onto the next bit. I would agree with you guys about the whole girlfriend thing, except that I've got one, and I met her through roleplaying (Our characters fucked, always a good icebreaker).

Presumably she went for you because of your clearly romantic, sensitive soul?

Anyway, I agree with your gorilla vs chimp theory, that's why I act like a bastard but I'm still really nice to her. Keeps everyone happy...

Except me. I'm not fucking happy.

And she's not like most female roleplayers I know either, she's a vicious bitch (Trust me, you never want to fight a cybered-up troll called Jasmine who plays drums for a troll thrash band called Fuzzy Duck). And she's a damn good GM too. Although you probably won't believe any of this it's all true.

Well it isn't completely plausible. Are you describing your actual life, or just the fantasy one you dream when you go to be and shut your eyes?

OK live roleplaying. I do it loads, but not fucking vampire, that's for goths who want to bemoan the fact that they can live for ever, have got superhuman strength and speed and don't need to go to work. Fuckwits. Get someone to try the gathering (Or I'll write an article about it if you want) its expensive but fun.

Oh, and here's an idea for a new game (I'll probably write it up and give it to you soon.) Dr Seuss: The Roleplaying Game. No dice, no real rules, you've just got to make up rhymes about what's going on, everyone decides how good the rhyme is and that determines how successful it is. The GM can throw all sorts of shit at you and it gets really surreal. Try it on acid, now that could be fun!

I played in a fantasy scenario once where we had been given the ability to cast spells if we could make up an appropriate rhyme (can't remember if I have already written about this). I came up with a spell to summon a martial artist to attack a specified opponant:

Karate man fall from the sky,
He can fly, so he won't die.
Give [whoever] kicks and punches too,
Until he shouts boo-hoo


I also once played a game of toon, where I was cursed to only be able to speak in rhyme. I can't remember any of the specific ones I came up with, but apparently I was pretty good, if always five minutes behind the conversation.

Anyway, great mag, keep up the good work. And any goths or maths geeks that take offence can kiss my hairy blue ass before I give a shit.
Evil Jesse

Houngan of Shirley (extending to cover the Freemantle area on Tuesday evenings between 6:30PM & 10:30PM. No Housecalls after 9)
Holder of the Sacred Head of Zan-Granii
Emissary of the Monkeys
Assistant to the Monkey Ringing A Bell who speaks to me in Morse Code
Lord of the Clowns
Drinking buddy of Cthulhu
Star Player of the Outer Gods All star Lie-athon team.
Bullshitter Par Excelance


P.S I AM THE EVIL TWIN!!!



Scott wrote:

HI guys,

Firstly, I have been reading the mag since issue 3 and it just keeps getting better and better!

Thanks.

Secondly, contrary to popular belief some Americans are ever so slightly gun happy. A friend of mine started work on a Technical Support Helpdesk about 3 months ago, his job involves network support for the American based part of the company he works for. In the short period of time he has worked for the company he has grown to know a gentleman from Texas called JC quite well, very well in fact. The last time my friend spoke to him he was on the phone with JC for a pretty long time, the end of the phone call went as follows (not having listened to the call I have to extrapolate certain points):

JC: "What should I try next?"

Col: "Just take your gun out and shoot it (his PC)!

JC: BLAM!!!

Col: "Er...JC? What was that?"

I swear to you that this is a true story, the guy shot his PC!!! I am more than willing to admit that most Americans are probably well balanced members of society, however when you hear stories like the above then it does kind of make you a tad worried.

Just a tad.



Evil Jesse (from two letters ago) wrote:

OK, I know I've already sent you one letter for the next issue, and it was probably a bit ranty but I thought I'd tell you about some pretty stoopid character deaths, in D&D, of course. Firstly, the pixie. My mate Digs was playing a pixie (Can't remember its fucking name, don't think I ever got told) we went into an evil looking old house and he flew straight through a warding spell, bounced down to the bottom of the stairs triggered a fireball and got toasted, thoroughly, about 2 minutes into the session. Then there's my ranger, Brennan, within 10 minutes of my first session with a new group I was dead. How? Well, we were playing Dragon Mountain and we had to defend a small village against kobolds. I stoopidly charged about a hundred of them, on my own, and managed to find the little bastards overbearing me. They then tied me up and decided to just carry me around the battlefield (There were about 500 kobolds involved in the whole attack) and taunt the other players. I wasn't having any of that so I tried to break the ropes binding me, and I succeeded, so the kobolds stabbed me up with loads of rusty daggers, and killed me. Little bastards. And if you want sneaky players Andy had a character in that game called Gnomestrodamus

[groan]

who had his alignment written as chaotic good, he later revealed, after thoroughly fucking over the rest of the party, and much to the GM's surprise that if you lifted up the tine flap of paper his alignment was written on you could clearly read his true alignment, chaotic evil. Sneaky little bastard.

Well he was evil.

Evil Jesse

Houngan of Shirley (extending to cover the Freemantle area on Tuesday evenings between 6:30PM & 10:30PM. No Housecalls after 9)
Holder of the Sacred Head of Zan-Granii
Emissary of the Monkeys
Assistant to the Monkey Ringing A Bell who speaks to me in Morse Code
Lord of the Clowns
Drinking buddy of Cthulhu
Star Player of the Outer Gods All star Lie-athon team.
Bullshitter Par Excelance

P.S I AM THE EVIL TWIN!!!



Geoff wrote:

Hi there,

I thought your Elevators game was another fine example of how to blow a few spare hours - almost on par with Nuke the Crap Out of Europe, but there was a lot less gratuitous sex and violence, so we really can't compare them that much.

Finally. Someone who likes that game!

Have you ever thought of adding other dimensions to the game, to make it a little more...tense? How about making the face cards represent corporate executives who are about to sack you (the elevator operator) as part of a plan to eliminate redundancies? If you have no passengers, you can opt to ram the hell out of them before the other players get there. After cleaning the grisly remains off of the machinery, you can pick up regular blokes as before. Perhaps to make it more interesting, just have one face card in the whole deck, and make it worth 100 points.

You're basically saying that I should add a bit of gratuitous violence, right?

Just a thought. Kepp up the good work.

Geoff



Justin wrote:

Hi guys,

Seeing as I've been reading your excellent mag since Issue 3, I thought it was about time I wrote in to say what a great job you've been doing. Very funny read. Also, with the recent talk on inter-party deaths, I thought I'd relate to you a little tale from my early roleplaying career.

Ok.

Back when I was a nipper of just 13 years, I joined a wargaming club, and somehow managed to hook up with a few older guys who played roleplaying games down there.

Well as long as they didn't offer to show you any of the "special" games, I guess that was okay.

The game of choice was the bloated monstrosity that is Rolemaster,

Ah *rulemaster*. Never played it, but I did play its bastard offspring MERP.

but since we were all teenagers we liked the massive amounts of detail, and especially the critical hit tables. Now, my memory of Rolemaster can be summed up in the phrase "Bring on the next fight!", but on the first session I played in (I think it might have been the start of a new adventure) there'd been a break from the non-stop battles, and the party found itself in an inn. It was about this time I had to leave the table for a toilet break.

Now, predictably, while I was away an argument broke out between two of the players about who was going to chat up the barmaid, and I returned from the toilet just in time to see one of the characters throwing a punch at one of the others. Being new to this roleplaying lark, once I saw what was happening, I gaily cried out, "Oh, I'll punch him too!". The exchange went something like this:

Me: (rolls dice)

GM: Oo-hoo, that's a critical hit. Roll again (while searching for the right critical hit table).

Me: (rolls dice) Oh cool, I got 100.

Punchee: You bastard.

Turns out that, due to the vagaries of the critical hit system, my character had somehow managed to do a one-handed ninja strike of death straight through the heart of the other character.

Cool.

Everyone found this highly amusing, except, of course, the player of the character I had just killed. What made it worse was that, due to the (literally) pages of skills required for Rolemaster, the player had to make do with a scummy dwarf warrior the GM had lying around to continue playing the game. I can't remember what happened after that (we probably just went straight into a fight) but I'll always remember killing a member of my own party on my very first roleplaying session.

Well, I hope you found this story amusing. I'll leave you now, but keep up the good work guys, you're doing great!

Justin



Fitz wrote:

I've just recently found the Critical Miss website, and can say without any doubt that it is the best, the finest, the most earth-shatteringly, trouser-fillingly excellent fanzine I have ever read. If it weren't for the many problems involved, both legal and biological, I'd offer to bear your collective children. At last I have hope for the future and a reason to live.

Now if I could just find a women who felt that way...

I've quite enjoyed it so far.

Cheers,

Fitz



Ed Hodgkinson wrote

Have you been eavesdropping on our RPG sessions? Some of your pages are eerily familiar.

I think bad roleplaying is the same the world over.

Your Universe Validity Test Kit appears to be fatally flawed though. This universe cannot be real. I've laid out proof at http://www.surrealistworker.co.uk/issue1/philosophy.htm

Keep up the good work,

Ed Hodgkinson.



Eco wrote:

Dam Machine the G is sticked.

Allright, Mates?

Not bad.

Critical Miss has been keeping me up far too late since I discovered it. Nice one.

Regarding the Chimp/Gorilla subject, I would like to say that based on My Experience, and mine alone, I think that women shag wankers and have relationships with poor sad dickheads like myself. And then dump them when they get bored.

You ever heard a women describe some poor guy as "too nice"? Too nice? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Never understood that one.

Im not bitter or twisted or anything.

Of course not.

Cyborg Commando gave me a pain in my chest. In a good way. None of my gaming group will play elevators with me. Bastards.

Id like to see an article like the one on floorplans, but on sound effects for games instead.

er...what I mean is, like, SFX for running on the computer in the background whilst a session is going on. Look, I dont really know what Im talking about.

Are there any sites out there with good sound effects? If anyone knows of any then write in.

Maths. Maths? Maths, The RPG?

Percentile dice should be rolled at the same time, not one after the other. To get added tension from the roll of two dice, try to practise your throwing technique so that the Units dice rolls off the table onto the floor, preferably under the sofa, or even inot the mouth of a sleeping dog. Then you can crawl around getting worked up into a lather till you discober the outcome.

I especially like the fact that you'll print anything that gets posted to you.

Well we did think of making a special exception, just for you. :)

Hi Mum.

Eco

smithy@thealcove.freeserve.co.uk



Rhea wrote:

I just had a quick question. Any chance of getting the fanzine in PDF format? I'd love to be able to download the entire issue, print it out and read it at my leisure.

Well the quick answer is no.

The longer answer is that to produce the magazine in PDF format (as well as HTML) would be a huge amount of work. We do this for fun, and formatting the same article twice, in two different formats, isn't fun.

Sorry.

Just a thought.

Thanks,

rhea..



Eliot Lefebvre wrote:

To the entire Critical Miss staff -

Actually, this probably shouldn't be my first letter. I've been reading for a while, thought about writing but couldn't be arsed, thought about getting something printable for the next issue together but still couldn't be arsed, thought about making something up for Dr. Bubba but realized I had better things to do with my time, as well as not wanting to eat up valuable space for the large lunatic fringe that evidently is able to e-mail Bubba on a regular basis. So why am I writing now? Well... you guys just seemed lonely.

Well, yeah.

Right. We all know that's a load of crap. I'm sitting at work, I haven't got a single bloody thing to do, and so I'm rambling on e-mail. In the time it took me to complete that sentence, many people died in 3rd-world countries. Nice to be in America.

In any event, I would like to praise CM for producing a consistently amusing and thought-provoking magazine. Though sometimes you seem to fall to the quality wayside (what WAS that whole "Winning an RPG" article about, anyways?), I have yet to read a single issue where I don't enjoy 99% of the material. Today I actually sat down to read the rules for Pimp, and was very impressed with both the humor and the mechanics. (The maturity level is another matter... suffice to say that I will not be elaborating on this to my girlfriend.)

I wouldn't.

Speaking of women, I would have to say that you are absolutely and thoroughly full of it on the whole "gorilla-chimp" hypothesis. Sorry. I've recently tried something neither of the articles on the subject attempted - actually talking to women about the hypothesis itself.

Well you might not believe it, but I actually have quite a few female friends, and I have talked to most of them about the hypothsis. They generally disagreed of course.

Net result? Near as I can tell, neither the gorilla nor the chimp is terribly appealing. On the chimp's side, he's a wonderful person to be around, but most of the time, the chimp has some serious personal problems. I don't mean psychological. I mean that often, "chimps" smell bad,

Not me.

have bad hair,

Well it's not the best haircut perhaps.

are overweight,

Well a bit.

and frankly are embarassing to be seen with. (Before I get flamed to death as a hypocrite - I used to fit ALL those descriptors.) Gorillas, at least, look nice. They're absolute jerks, but at least a woman can feel decent about walking into public with them.

Yeah, but isn't that a bit shallow?

Proof? I am, I would suppose, a chimp. Not so long ago, I made some big changes to me. I started dieting, started lifting weights, toned down a few of my more annoying habits, took some serious interest in how I looked, etc. The result? A *lot* of women started spending a *lot* more time around me, and I became a *lot* luckier with women. Do I have a girlfriend? Yes. Did I always? No. I've been screwed over plenty myself. In fact, my current girlfriend is a relatively recent development. Did I believe the hypothesis was, quite frankly, a crock beforehand? Yes.

Despite this, I am still an avid reader of Critical Miss, and look forward to the next issue. Maybe someday I'll actually get my lazy arse around to doing something FOR the magazine. (Though I would nay hold my breath for it.)

-Eliot "Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue" Lefebvre



Vaderkahn wrote:

Critical Missers,

I wanted to make just a little comment about gamers and sex. More specifically, about gamers finding someone to mate with. It's rare, true, but believe it or not, it does happen.

I'm a case in point. My game group currently consists of two late-20's virgins, one guy who hasn't had any in over 10 years (and I think according to the Catholics that makes him a virgin again...not sure...), me and my wife.

What's that? I have a wife? Yep, sure do. She's a gamer too...has her own dice, owns game systems of her own and (please sit down before reading this)...she actually runs a game. I know what you're saying - this is totally impossible. Such a person does not exist or I've somehow been duped into marrying a man in drag.

I was wondering.

Such, I can assure you, is not the case (humpin' like bunnies). We have sex quite often, except while at work and when gaming (we tried that once and the other guys just whined...)

Well I think my gaming groups would be quite happy.

So how can you find a woman who not only approves of gaming, but actually IS a gamer AND wants to run games (my wife runs a mean game of Trinity, btw)? Well, I found mine on-line. Ebay works wonders...just kidding. I met my wife on a MUSH (like a MUD but a bit more social) and found her to be an excellent role player. Of course, I didn't get serious with her till she sent me naughty pictures confirming she was a woman. (I have these for sale...no, not kidding)

Damn!

There's more...I won't go into the perversions she's into, but lets say I'm never bored. If you find a woman like this, trust me, she'll probably be more kinky than you are despite the years of imagination you've got going for you.

You're just rubbing our faces in it now.

I know you hate me. I know it, and I wish I could prevent it. But instead I'm doing this little happy dance that looks a bit like Riverdance, except I have no coordination. If only I was rich and famous as well...sigh.

Anyway, just one little ray of hope for those gamers out there who feel they'll never meet anyone. It can happen...

...it might happen...

...oh, cheer up!

Vaderkahn
or Mike if you prefer

P.S., ever consider having a trashy vamp girl as a logo? You know, this is Critical "Miss"...just a thought.



Serraphin

Yep - U hear it a thousand times a day so have some more:

It's great, it make me laugh. Your gratitous use of the words fuck, shit and cunt makes me proud to be a Brit.

Ah, a fellow patriot...

Yes my (Now old as I only just moved to London) group consisted of one of every classic dysfunctional model.

The best realisation of this was our SLA industries group (Which wonderfully enough is a British product way-fuckin-hey).

1 gung-ho know every martial art and weapon psychopath that was also the 'silent oriental type

1 I want to be a secret agent type (Name John Shlong - is that a brit thing??) who ended up running the party - Funnyiest thing was he had the impotent dis-advantage.

I've heard about that... apparently in some games every single character has that disadvantage.

1 Big monster psycho - except this one had no brains - The player would wake up every 5 minutes and say "kill him." Whether it be a bad guy or the important link we were looking for for three months of playing time....

1 wacked out drug dependant scottish nutcase that had all the wit and charm of a slightly senile incontinent poodle - That is to say people liked kicking him.

Oh wait this was supposed to be a character description right....

Pimp - Great great idea. My doctor reckons me legs will be fully healed in a week and apparently the pimps bruisers were just trying to point out something on general principle so no hard feelings.

I did say to keep your eyes open and move quickly.

If you change the layout, general content or level of sickening depravation I will seek you out and.... Well I dunno hand you a petition or summit perhaps.

Serraphin



Inga wrote:

Hey, female gamer from the USA here...just wanted to tell you guys that I love your 'zine. It's good to see gamers doing other constructive things with their time...branching out a little so to speak. I am not a stereotype female...I like swords and knives, gamer geeks as boyfriends and lots of time to spend playing. From age 15 to 23 I ate, drank and slept gaming. I carried the dice in my purse, I paid for my share of the pizza and beer...I mean soda...yeah, soda. I slept with a few of the guys in my regular group...one was a virgin until I got him.

Without wanting to be rude, did it not occur to you that sleeping with several (well more than one) of the blokes in your gaming group might cause some problems with the group dynamics?

Ooops, wasn't supposed to tell. I am now married, to a non gamer, but am working on converting him...I just can't find any decent role players in Denver.

Isn't it supposed to be a good place to do things when you're dead, or something?

All of the guys I've talked to are power gamers with no idea of how to role play other than, "I pull out my +6 Vorpol sword and chop off it's head, then drink it's blood and steal it's gold. Then my 20th level fighter mage kills everyone else in the party and takes their treasure..." Man am I ever sick of hearing that crap! Oh well enough of this crap...write on good fellows I shall continue to read and pass on your wisdom, or what passes for it aroung here.

Game on Critical Miss.

e-mail Bloody hell! How many letters are there?

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