Ask Doctor Bubba

Sham of the seven long and twisty roads that sort of go nowhere unless they go somewhere but that's only if they do wrote:

Dear Dr. Bubba,

Two of my friends (of opposite genders (opposite to each other, not to me)) are going out with each other. As individuals they're both really cool people, but together they do some sort of Cthulu monster merging trick and they try to communicate with each other at increasingly small distances. In other words, they suck face as soon as they come into contact with each other.

I've always felt it rude to flaunt your personal happiness in front of others.

This wouldn't be so bad, except that he was one of our favourite role players. He's excellent as both a player and a GM, and his house is ideal for late-night, smelly, dirty, unwashed, loud-mouthed role players. How do we get them to act like individuals when they're not alone and how do we get him to leave her long enough to do more than roll a few dice. We're not trying to break them up or anything (as if we could), but good players are rare enough around here without having them turn into STD's.

Don't ask them to stop. Be more subtle. Tell them how much seeing people getting down to it turns you on, and ask if it's okay for you (and the rest of the group) to watch. That should do it. (For more impact, bring some popcorn with you).

Your biggest fan,

Sham of the seven long and twisty roads that sort of go nowhere unless they go somewhere but that's only if they do

Jo'burg, South Africa

P.S.: Is Finland really the country with the most role players per capita? Does this have anything to do with a 6 month night?

How the fuck would we know? Finland's the other side of Europe.

Begger wrote:

Dear Dr. Bubba,

The group of role-players I am with are would be universally accepted as highly dysfunctional. Recently, I tried to DM for this in a city-campaign form. The characters were part of an organized crime group for the purposes of unifying the goals of the group and so that harassing the guards would be an acceptable practice.

I spent weeks on the campaign thinking that if I had enough details and plenty of good story lines, the role-playing would go smoothly.

[Snigger]

As you may have guessed, things went into total chaos. It started when the players didn't understand the innuendo at the beginning of the game. What was supposed to happen was that, at least, one of the characters would understand that "getting bread" meant "smuggling weapons." According to my dice rolls, this happened perfectly. Yet, the player that was playing the character that understood, sadly, did not understand the very concept of what was going on. Then there were the players that played characters that did not understand. These players became loud and insisting that they be informed of what things meant. Well, at first I ignored them and tried to help the player that should be getting it. In the mean time, the other players did some of the only thinking they did that night. This caused there to be only two people who did not understand what was going on. They were a loudmouth and the only person who should be getting it. After some poking and prodding, the characters left to "get bread."

They'd figured out it meant weapons by this point, right? They weren't out shopping for a crusty loaf?

They figured out where to go and got there. Unfortunately, one person still did not understand what was going on, the loudmouth.

Also, there was a second loudmouth in the group, who was worse since he talked non-stop on generally non-game subjects.

Technically, there was a fourth person there who was supposed to be the leader of this group. Instead of keeping the unruly mob tamed, he did practically nothing instead of run away. He will not be mentioned again.

Anyways, the weapons were to be taken to some monks in a monastery. To make a long story short, they insulted the monks in every way possible. This caused them to fail without the slightest shred of dignity.

Sorry, I might be stupid here, but what the hell did the monks want with a load of deathware?

At this time, I wanted to wrap up quickly and yell profusely. Unfortunately, in my efforts to end, I did not kill their characters. Instead, I asked if they wanted to try it again later.

Finally, I come to my question. How can I turn this group into a, in any sense of the word, "functional" role-playing group?

-Beggar

Don't bother. They're morons. Just stick to dungeon-bashes.

Schizoid was confused about what he was:

Hello,

Question: Am I a Gamer?

i'm asking this because on the one hand, I've probably bought or read more sourcebooks and rulebooks than most people here in Israel, I really like fantasy and sci-fi fiction, and i have no girlfriend.

Well that's good circumstantial evidence.

on the other hand, the last time i played with the same character/gruop for more than 4 sessions was in sixth grade (I'm now 22). my last two groups just seemed to go defunct after 3 and 2 sessions, respectively.

Do I qualify as an RPG-er?

Yeah, just a shit one.

one more thing...what the hell can i do with all this old ad&d;/shadowrun/traveller stuff?

eBay?

hope you can help

Schizoid (don't ask)

Dave Stealth wrote:

I'm somewhat surprised to find Dr. Bubba my first recourse when I have problems that I want to share, but I suppose in the long run, it'll be worth a few laughs.

There's this bird, see. Good looking, can make intelligent conversation, friendly. She's a hardcore, high quality roleplayer, a computer gamer, and an otaku.

Sounds good.

Perfect.

If you like. But I'll stick to good.

Unfortunately, I've only known her for two days.

Do you have any idea how badly you sound like a stalker right now?

I'm not sure who the bloke she hangs out with is, for all I know she's going out with him, or quite possibly married to him. Scooby Doo (qv).

Yep. Stalker...

Blokey, cute gamer, and myself all play in the same group, indeed, for the nonce, in the same game. Show me some advice.

Now I'm confused. This bloke is in your roleplaying group, and yet you know him so little that you don't know if he is married, dating or what? I know blokes are supposed to be less communicative in their social groupings than women, but I think that's taking the piss even so.

Now you've got that out of the way, when I inevitably f'k it up, I'll probably want to f'k _him_ up without appearing to be bitter and grudging, which I will in fact be. I'd like to do this in game, but I reckon I can beat him in a fight as well. Bearing in mind that I still want to look like the good guy, any ideas?

I think you should try to think happy thoughts...

Dave Stealth

rambungalo wrote:

i am becomming increeasingly worried abut the way i always seem to find myself plaingmore and more female charactors. at first i thought is was jsut me being a liberated open minded guy, but its getting out of hand.

for some reason my charactors always end up working as cheap protitutes in order to raise money and the rest o the partis spirits. its getting so bad that my charactors ususaly don't even go own the dungeon, and when they do i jsut end up comming onto an orc! whats wrong with me? do i want to be a woman? am i gay?do i love the gams masters domineering style? or do i jsut want to buger my fellow players? please help me +cure me

I think that you have problems (and I'm not just talking about your spelling).

lots of love

the rambungalo

Peter Darby (who apparently doesn't understand that you supposed to write to an advice column as "anon") wrote:

Dr Bubba;

Everyone told me to get a life. I did, and now it's getting in the way of role playing & star trek re-runs.

Peter Darby

Lose the life. You clearly don't know what to do with it.

Partisan wrote:

Dear esteemed Critical Miss,

In Issue 5, you provided rules for a subtly-named "Pimp - the free collectable card game". In the introduction, you clearly stated that you shall not provode any examples of Pimp names. However, in subsequent rules, you clearly provide "Ron the Bastard" and "Fat Jerry" as examples. I was so deeply shocked and offended by your oversight that I had to go into therapy and subsequently spend $500 (AU) to keep myself from going insane.

Yeah, but whats $AU 500 when you convert it from toy money to real money? I reckon less than 200 quid, and that ain't exactly a life-destroying amount.

Please resolve the above naming issue or I shall press legal charges. My brother-in-law is a lawyer.

Oh we're scared.

Good Day.
"Be nice to people. They outnumber you 6 billion to 1."
- Your favorite person in the whole wide world,
Partisan.

Sorry, aren't you the bastard who just threatened to get his brother-in-law on us?

Perplexed in Portand wrote:

Well I have to say that your colum is the best thing since instant beer!

Not sure if that's a compliment...

I have a good friend that I have known for years who just started a LARP campaign we started playing and he is awarding me crap experience. I think this is because I have become very 'friendly' with the girl in the group. I was considering droping the girl but well I am a gamer and I have to take what I can get. What should I do?

Perplexed in Portand (OR)

Keep the girl. You'll find that she can offer you far better "experience".

Mad Meg wrote:

Hi Dr. Bubba.

Perhaps you can help me. I am a female gamer,

That's good...

and I have a boyfriend who also roleplays.

...and that's not so good.

This in itself is fine.

Well if you insist. But it's not making me feel any better.

However, we roleplay LARP together, and recently I've started to find his characters more sexually attractive than him. Is this bad?

Yours,

Mad Meg.

Well it's a bit pervy, but it's the sort of "roleplaying" that the wierd-shit hippies on late night lifestyle channels usually recommend, so hey, who gives a shit?

If you have any problems you'd like Doctor Bubba to help you with, then drop a line to [email protected]. We can't promise to help, and we'll probably make things worse, but we're enthusiastic, and more importantly, free.

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