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Ask Doctor Bubba

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Each issue in "Ask Doctor Bubba" we will, as experienced roleplayers, and compassionate, sensitive human beings, be available to help you with your problems. Our main intention is to help with roleplaying problems, but if you have a problem of a more general nature and are feeling particularly desperate, then hey, drop us a line.

We would particularly appreciate problems of a sexual nature.

We should point out that these letters are sent in to us by email in a pretty anonymous form. We cannot therefore guarantee the validity or truthfulness of any of these letters, especially the ones we faked ourselves.

Our first letter is from GT who wants our advice on a GMing problem:

Dear Doctor Bubba,

I'm currently GMing a WFRP campaign, and I was wondering if you had any advice on the naked dwarf problem?

GT

I know what you mean. There's nothing more annoying than a dwarven naturist shoving his nuts in your face at every opportunity. You just have to be firm. Tell him to keep the armour on!

Elliot tried making a Roleplayer! character...

Dr. Bubba -

I seem to have a bit of a problem.

In Issue 7 of your fine (ahem) publication (ahem), you presented your loyal readers with -RolePlayer!-. As a bit of a lark, I, like pretty much every gamer when they get a new system, tried to recreate myself in the system by doing the math in my head.

I wound up ringing in at 720 points.

I went back over a second time, and double-checked my math, and wound up being certain that I rested at 685 points - slightly lower, but still, I think the point of the game is that you're not supposed to be that high in the positives, correct? I run a regular, friendly game session every week, but this would seem to indicate that I'm not really a gamer. Am I, or does the system not lie? Or have you already forgotten the column?

The bad news is that you're not really a gamer. The good news is that you're not a loser either. Sounds good to me.

-Eliot "I think it was the girlfriend advantages that did me in" Lefebvre

Hurt Pride has a problem with his GM...

Hi doc,

I'm currently a player in a Shadowrun group. I've been playing with these guys for about 3 months now, one session every 2 weeks. The GM we've got is a pretty cool guy, but he likes to give the new players a little scare. It went something like this:

I picked a Street Samurai for my character. Easy to use, be able to scope out the host's ability and if I was gonna stay or not. So we play and I get seperated from the group and run down an allyway to escape our purseuers. As it would be, a drug deal was taking place and the seller and his guys wern't to happy to see me. It went something like this: (language censored because I know this is a family site)

Huh???

GM: (as dealer) What the fark are you doin in here?! Me: Just passing through, jerk-face. GM: You see the dealer reach into his trech coat...

...and then the GM pulled a friggin' shot gun out from under the table and pointed it in my face, screaming "DIE FARKER!"

After my dive from the chair and roll to the ground, I noticed my Spider-Sence wasn't tingling, and everyone was laughing their asses off. Turns out he uses the drug dealer trick on everyone. He also showed me the gun didn't even have a trigger on it. Still scared the crap out of me.

BUT!

A girl recently joined our group. I awkwardly tried to play, thinking "Hey, she's a gamer, no bigge" to no success, then I remember the GM's little "joke." A break was called and I was able to tell her about the host's plans. She seemed scared, why she didn't run from the house terrified, I don't know but she nodded and the game resumed.

Cue new player running down alleyway into drug deal. She ends up decking the dealer in the face. The buyer runs away. The dealer take off his trench coat...

...and its the police! Huh? She's under arrest for interfering with police business. The GM takes out a pair of handcuffs, and, well, cuffs her. I guess she was so shocked that resisting didn't come into her mind. Everyone looks to the host.

Host: "What, did you think I was gonna do the GUN trick?! Ha, yeah right!"

Some more playing, and the host goes to take off the cuffs.

Play the sound effect of a key snaping.

Its 8:00 at night and for the next 2 hours he's calling every place we can think of to fix the little situation. Eventually at 10:30 We got some guy to unjam the lock and used the 2nd key to free the girl.

Luckally, she still comes to our sessions (never sits near the host, though) and hasn't filed a law sute (yet). So what I'm asking is, how can we get back at this guy?

Now my initial thought was to say: "You've got a girl in the group, but you're asking me for advice on stuffing the GM, and not getting off with the girl - what's wrong with you!"

But then I reread your mail and saw that you had said: "how can *we* get back at this guy" and it all become clear. You want you and this girl to do the revenge as some kind of joint endeavour, with the hope that the bonding experience this offers will lead to some kind of sexual encounter.

Well if you wanted to get off with the girl you should have just said so, instead of arsing around the bush. They say that those who don't ask, don't get. You didn't ask, so you ain't gonna get.

'Fraid you're on your own son.

PS: I live in America and can flee to Canada or Mexico if needed.

You said he had a gun right?

Thanks for your time,

Hurt Pride

A friend of some geezers wrote...

[Word describing the need for help here] Dr. Bubba

I am a friend of Sham, the impossibly long winded guy from issue 7, and he reccommended me to you. I have just a few queries that I hope you can answer in order to make my life just a little bit less dysfunctional

I have recently moved from South Africa to the (ahem) fair city of London, and in the act of exporting my smelly tub 'o lard Jewish arse from south africa, have lost all ties to the roleplaying world and, contrary to popular trends, want to find like minded english geeks to pretend to hit orcs with (although beautiful buxom blonde roleplayers of the female variety with negligible moral fibre will also do) where do I start looking?

It's easy to meet beautiful buxom blonde females with negligible moral fibre in London. They put their phone numbers up in phone boxes all over London. How important is the roleplaying bit to you?

Second I have a gripe with people of the attractive female persuasion in that they always claim to be primarily looking for an intelligent sensitive man ( a.k.a. every roleplayer ever ) , however they always seem to attach themselves to walking vibrators with names like Fabio - who will inevitably have biceps bigger than their heads, and the intelligence and vocabulary of a small albanian desert goat - why the paradox? why not just come out and say that all they want in a man is the occasional grunt and a 12 - foot penis?

Fucked if I know...

Thanks

1 x Smelly Jew
Nali Kagansan

Quisai wrote asking for HELP!

Dear Dr Bubba,

Help!

I have a problem, but before I go into the details of my problem there are a few thing you should know about me.

I am a woman,

Yeh!

I am roleplayer,

*Yeh*!!!

I am married.

Fuck...

Before we were married Dave (my husband) and I used to have a Great group to game with, the DM was the best I have ever encountered which was fun, but due to the DM moving away and other things happening we found ourselves gameless, so eventually we got into a new gaming group. Anyway the thing is this the new lot aren't very much fun & on top of that my characters always end naked for some of the adventure,

Cool...

The thing is the Great DM has moved back to Maidstone and now Dave gets to game with the good group but I am suck with the other group.

My problem is this I am jealous of Dave's group but Dave and I have to game on different nights because one of us has to look after our son, so I can't join in with Dave game and I don't want to tell the other group to piss off because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

So tell me Bubba what should I do.
Yours hopefully, Quisai

I'd swap groups with your husband. I mean female roleplayer's are like golddust. Should give you enough leverage to force a transfer.

MR wrote to say "elp!"

i cannot type the letter it is a big problem wen greeting people. i ave to find alternate words to type and i tink i am going to give up te internet forever.

i cant use voice ceonversation eiter as i can only say te letter wic i cannot type.

yours tankfully mr.

It's all a matter of selecting appropriate words. I mean, I've managed to type for an entire sentence, avoiding said letter you are missing. It's easy. Stop moaning.

If you have any problems you'd like Doctor Bubba to help you with, then drop a line to askdrbubba@criticalmiss.com. We can't promise to help, and we'll probably make things worse, but we're enthusiastic, and more importantly, free.


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