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This issue's gaming record is actually for the funniest roleplaying incident which never actually happened, which is probably a pretty stupid category, but what nearly happened always makes us laugh, so I decided to put it in.

The game was Kult, with Bog Boy GMing. The players were myself, TAFKAC and two brothers, who I'll refer to here as Bill and Ben.

At some point during the scenario, Bill's character had mysteriously disappeared. Since we found him pretty annoying (I'm referring to the character here, although some might have applied the description to Bill) we hadn't made much of an effort to find out what had happened to him. Instead, we persued our investigations of the rather dodgy cult that was the theme of the scenario.

We eventually tracked down the cult's headquarters, and made our entrance. For reasons which made sense then, but escape me now, TAFKAC and myself had converted fire extinguishers into flame throwers.

Somehow - can't remember how - we had the ability to sense for lifeforms in the building. We were thus able to establish that there was one person in a room on the 2nd floor, and one person walking up and down on the 3rd floor. We figured the person of the 3rd floor was merely a guard of some kind, so we went after "Mr Big", the bloke on the 2nd floor.

Picture the scene...

We're outside the door leading to the room on the 2nd floor where this bloke is. Bog Boy is laying down repeated unsubtle descriptions, heavily stressing the fact that the door is locked, but that the key is in the lock, on our side - but me and TAFKAC are ignoring him.

We're like: "Okay, I'll kick the door open, then you immediately spray your flame jet from left to right, and I'll spray my jet from right to left... who ever's in there's gonna end up barbecued!"

Meanwhile, Ben, behind us, is muttering away. "There's something wrong here... there's something we're not getting..."

But us two psychos weren't listening. We were so excited about our flame throwers that we were just itching to use them. (Bog Boy had told us that we would have to make a roll to see if we had built them right, and that we had about a 20% chance of them exploding - but we didn't care).

Then - just as me and TAFKAC were about to make our assault - Ben figured it out.

"Hang on a minute! It's locked on the outside! Well he couldn't have locked himself in, could he? Which mean's it's someone who's being held prisoner."

So we opened the door, and found Bill inside, gagged, and tied to a plain wooden chair.

But imagine what would have happened if Ben hadn't figured it out...

TAFKAC kicks the door hard, and the flimsy wood shatters. As the door open Jonny's fingers squeeze the trigger hard and a long jet of orange flame erupts into the small room, joined an instant later by TAFKAC's.

Inside is Bill, gagged. For a moment he and Jonny lock eyes, but it is too late. The trigger is already being squeezed. The jet of flame washes over him and his clothing bursts into flame. He tries to escape, but he is bound to the chair, which merely rocks back and forth in an obscene tap dance of death.

Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap...

Damn it would have been funny!


What do you think of this article?

It ascended to heaven and walked with the gods.
It was very good.
It was pretty good.
It was okay.
It was a bit bad.
It was very bad.
It sucked, really, really badly.