Ask Doctor Bubba
Each issue in "Ask Doctor Bubba" we will, as experienced roleplayers, and compassionate, sensitive human beings, be available to help you with your problems. Our main intention is to help with roleplaying problems, but if you have a problem of a more general nature and are feeling particularly desperate, then hey, drop us a line.
We would particularly appreciate problems of a sexual nature.
We should point out that these letters are sent in to us by email in a pretty anonymous form. We cannot therefore guarantee the validity or truthfulness of any of these letters, especially the ones we faked ourselves.
Our first letter is from Joe Dredd who wants our advice on a Non ROleplaying problem:
This isn't about roleplaying at all.
My girlfirend wa ill yesterday. She had a pain in her lower back. There was no immediately apparent reason for it, and alledgedly it wass still there slightly in the morning.
You do realise that we publish about once or twice a year, so if there's something seriously wrong with her she'll probably have kicked it by time you read this? Our condolances if that's happened, by the way.
The pain did seem to be alleviated somewhat by my pressing my hand to a hot towel placed over the offending area, an activity which prevented me from reading the paper with as much concentration as I normally would have.
Where was the offending area?
She alos doesn't like it when I take reading material into the toilet, although I have pointed out that reading affects the time it takes me to drop a bomb on Armitage Shanks harbour not at all.
Women just don't understand that at all. I once had a huge row with a girl at work on that very subject. You'd think it was a porn mag I was taking to the bog, the amount of fuss she made...
What do you think is going on?
J Stallone has a problem with Player-killing Morals:
I'm in an AD+D group and one of the players always plays a wizard. Eventually when he gets to a high enough level and gets powerful spells, he always takes over the group and forces us to do as he says. Knowing that he will always try to take control, is it ethically or morally wrong to kill him when he makes a new character, gain the exp., kill the next and repeat, then say that its for the good of the group?
Well it's a plan, and if he's dead, and you're not, then he doesn't really get to vote on the ethics, does he?
And then we got a mail from Joost Poldervaart.
Dear Dr Bubba,
Next to the incredible pain in my eye when I'm drinking coffee, I've got some sort of a problem:
I'm currently running a campaign in a campaign setting which I've written myself. I'm coming to a point at which I want to radically change the campaign world. Besides some civil wars and some rumours about a growing army of 'evil' humanoids - led by some refugee ex-commander - and a growing amount of smugglers and criminals in one of the cities, I want to add in a little chaos. While reading the criticalmiss.com article 'How James Wallis ruined my characters life', I was inspired to add in the element of chaos, in the form of an occult sect, using chaos and death magic, that tries to win territory and power in the 'civilized' world.
I tried looking for the Warhammer Fantasy RP in my local games shop, but I wasn't able to find any of the books. Look, I'm not stupid; they just weren't there ;-)
Well they should have been there when you wrote this mail, but they might not be there now, because Hogshead have shut up shop and returned the English language license to Games Workshop (there are other licenses for other languages which are still going). But of a bummer, really.
So I thought: "let's send an e-mail to those criticalmiss.com guys".
Yeah, but you sent it to "Ask Doctor Bubba"! Bad, bad, move.
So here's the big question: Could you give me some information about the chaos-culture, their ways, their tactics, their forms of magic, their attitudes, their deity's, and all other stuff that makes them all chaos-like and worthy opponents.
Thanks a bunch in advance!
greetings Joost Poldervaart from the Netherlands
ps. I love your webzine. It's excellent!
You have good taste. :)
pps. If your currently a player in the WFRP and don't know very much about chaos, could your Fwd this e-mail to some-one in your party who does (or to your GM)?
Well you should have got a reply of sorts on the subject from JN, and your email was forwarded to General Tangent (the GM), who may or may not have replied to you.
Jack Torrance wrote in asking for advice:
I have only one question.Is there any plausable scientific reason for a female to have an adams apple? Cause,man i hope so.
I don't think you should be worried about adams apples. The only question you have to ask yourself is whether you love "her"?
Jack Torrance again this time asking a questions of a more technical nature:
I know you probably hear this all the time,but i would really like to blow up the moon. if you have any suggestions on how to do it,please reply.
I think you'll find that such an exercise will need a serious shitload of H-bombs, and I think you'll also find that the only "organisations" allowed to own such weapons without being invaded, are the USA, the UK, France, Russia, China, Isreal (alledgedly), India, Pakistan and North Korea (well they might not actually have them, but they seem to trying to tell us that they're about to start making them, and we seem to be saying: "We can't hear you").
as for a question of a sexual nature,when having sex with a lady, how fat is to fat? i'm just asking for a "ahem" friend of mine who wants to know.
Are the sides of the crack covering up the hole? I think you get what I'm saying.
Now this one is more up my street. Akchizar wants to know about Roleplaying and Chicks.
Dear Dr Bubba,
Our roleplaying group has been forced into some trouble of late. This trouble revolves around women, You see, our rp group isn't the most disciplined group in existence (hell, we can probably go for the least disciplined rp group in existence). In a four-hour gaming session, we get around five minutes of actual gaming in. On good days. So your probably wondering wtf this has to do with women. The situation wasn't always like this. When we started, we had a chick in our group - mainly cos she hung out with us and we needed someone to fill in the numbers. Now, while she was in the group WE ACTUALLY GOT STUFF DONE. But then the chick left for America. Damn. So we got a guy to take her place. But he had this mystical thing called a 'life' and couldn't play all the time. So we sacked him and got another guy to play. And now our D&D sessions are the mindless hell I described above. Same DM. Same game system. Different players. Obviously something wrong with the players. Obviously, when the chick was there, all the players were competing for the chick's attention - you know, showing them how good we could rp/min-max, seeing as none of us had any biceps to show. When there is no chick, no one bothers with the game - they prefer to discuss the latest episode of star trek, or physics, or computer games, or stuff like that, and generally DON'T PLAY D&D. Solution - get us another chick. But this doesn't work with most chicks. You can't just go up to any chick and say "Hi, do you want to come over to my house once a week for a couple of hours and play this game where you take control of an imaginary character and slay imaginary monsters and get loads of imaginary loot?" They look at you funny. So, my question: How do I attract chicks to our games? Thanks Akchizar
Paragraphs, man, paragraphs!
And if I knew the answer to your question...
Moses needed some advice. Guess he couldn't find a mountain.
Hi Dr Bubba. I see you can help with problems of a sensitive nature. Well I can't get a hard-on with any woman over the age of 15. Im a 35-yr old accountant, by the way. What should I do?
I hate to break it to you, but you're a thirty-five year old pervert...
Fatti Gwarzo sent us a Request for Assistance.
HELLO TO YOU! BUT CAN WE PLEASE STOP SHOUTING!
MAY THE BLESSINGS OF GOD BE UPON YOU AND GRANT YOUR FAMILY AND YOU THE WISDOM AND SYMPATHY TO UNDERSTAND OUR SITUATION AND HOW MUCH WE REALLY NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE. I AM ALHAJA FATTI GWARZO THE WIFE OF ALHAJI ISMAILA GWARZO THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER TO THE FORMER LATE HEAD OF STATE GEN. SANI ABACHA WHO DIED IN 1998 AS A RESULT OF HEART FAILURE. SINCE THE DEATH OF GEN. ABACHA AND THE CONSEQUENT DISSOLUTION OF HIS CABINET THE NEW GOVERNMENT OF CHIEF OBASANJO HAS TURNED AGAINST MY FAMILY.
AT FIRST WE THOUGHT IT WAS A NORMAL INTERROGATION, AS MY FATHER SHOULD KNOW ABOUT SOME CONFIDENTIAL DEALINGS OF HIS BOSS LATE GEN. SANIABACHA OR HARASSMENT FROM ENEMIES HE MADE WHILE IN GOVERNMENT BUT I WAS PROVED VERY WRONG. MY HUSBAND IS NOW BEING DETAINED AT THE KUJE PRISONS ABUJA FOR DOING NOTHING OTHER THAN SERVING HIS FATHER LAND, ALL OUR ACCOUNTS AT HOME AND ABROAD KNOWN TO THE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN FROZEN TO FRUSTRATE US. IT HAS NOW DAWNED ON US THAT WE HAVE A VERY SERIOUS BATTLE WITH PRESIDENT OBASANJO’S GOVERNMENT SINCE HE BELIEVES THAT MY HUSBAND WAS THE PERSON WHO ROPED HIM INTO PRISON FOR A PHANTOM COUP CHARGE, AS HE NOW WANTS TO GET BACK AT US. MY HUSBAND’S CLOSEST ASSOCIATES HAVE BETRAYED AND DESERTED US AND WE NO LONGER TRUST ANYONE OF THEM. THEREFORE, I AM REQUESTING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE TO HELP MY FAMILY. RECENTLY, HE CONFIDED IN ME ABOUT A SECRET DEPOSIT OF US$39,000,000.00 (THIRTY NINE MILLION, UNITED STATES DOLLARS), WHICH HE MADE VIA DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICES TO A SECURITY COMPANY BASED IN EUROPE AND PLACED ON HOLD. BECAUSE OF LACK OF TRUST ON FRIENDS AND ASSOCIATES MY HUSBAND HAS MANDATED ME TO OFFER 20% OF THE FUND TO YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AT THIS HOUR OF NEED. ALL YOU ARE EXPECTED TO DO IS COLLECT THE DEPOSIT DOCUMENTS FROM ME TO ENABLE YOU COLLECT THE TRUNK BOXES OF MONEY ON OUR BEHALF. MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS IN SERIOUS FINANCIAL DISTRESS AND THIS IS THE ONLY HOPE FOR US AS ALL OUR PASSPORTS AND TRAVELING DOCUMENTS HAVE BEEN SEIZED BY THE GOVERNMENT, HAVE IT IN MIND THAT THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED IN THIS ASSISTANCE AS ONLY , MY HUSBAND AND I KNOW ABOUT THIS. OUR OWN SHARE IS TO BE LEFT IN YOUR CARE UNTIL ONE OF US IS ABLE TO FIND HIS WAY OUT TO OPEN NEW ACCOUNT I WILL SINCERELY APPRECIATE YOUR RESPONSE THROUGH MY PRIVATE EMAIL: email@example.com OR CALL ME ON PHONE NUMBER 234-802-352-1452THIS SUBJECT IS HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL AND THEREFORE SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. INCLUDE YOUR PERSONAL TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS FOR EASY COMMUNICATION. WE HOPE THAT YOU CAN BE TRUSTED AND YOU WOULD NOT DISAPPOINT US.
Well, I don't to appear rude, but I would have thought that salaries for government officials are relatively low in your country, so I'm a bit confused as to how your family have managed to accumulate 39 million US dollars. Unless of course, your father was corruptly stealing government money and putting it in his own secret bank account. But that can't be the case, because if it was you'd be a bunch of untrustworthy crooks, and in that case, how could you expect me to trust you?
Chaffed Bits wanted to know about the long fuck and roleplaying. I was a bit confused at first...
I am the mamber of a roleplaying group who are all really great friends. We have been playing a particular campaign now for over six months but it doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. The problem is all of us are too embarassed to tell the GM that nothing appears to be happening and that we really would like to go and play something else now.
The best way to describe the feeling is like when you are with your partner and you are fucking (like maybe on amphetamines or something) and neither you nor your partner are getting anywhere. Both you and you partner are too embarrased to say and you keep on fucking anyway - sort of like a long fuck.
Or perhaps like having so much money you don't know what to do with it, which is also a feeling that I've never experienced.
Anyway we were wondering if there was anything you could suggest to stop any roleplaying game turning into something like a long fuck?
My suggestion would be to go to a cyber cafe, open up an hotmail account in an anonymous name (something like "firstname.lastname@example.org") and send the GM a mail telling him that you all think the campaign's crap and you want to play something else. That way, the only person who's embarrassed is him.
Ghostcat had questions on a couple of things.
Dear Critical Miss,
I've just finished reading the back issues of the zine, which I have thoroughly enjoyed, particularly the frequent use of the word "cunt". A feminist theory I have heard is that women should reclaim (I'm not sure where from exactly) cunt for our own empowerment, like nigger for the Afro-Americans. Has anyone else heard this?
I (Jonny, who happens to be writing this reply) am informed by someone else (Bubba, who isn't actually writing this reply, but who formatted all the mails into one file... confused..? oh for God's sake it's perfectly simple. I'm the editor. He's the webmaster. The name of this piece is... oh never mind.
Bubba informs me that:
"For reference, the Question about Feminist theory for the word Cunt is something I heard from The Vagina Monologues. Was very surreal to have Jerry Hall (yes The Jerry Hall) saying the word Cunt Cuuunnnt Cunt repeatedly as my [name of his GF snipped] and other (mainly women) in the audience got more and more shocked... ;)"
Which sounds good to me.
Bubba further suggested that I add a link to the Vagina Monologues web sites, saying: "I highly recommend it, especially to roleplayers who need advice on women..."
I have a Dr Bubba question.
What to do about "Tiger"?
Tiger is a friend of mine and has GM'd me for about 8 years. He is quite heavy handed at times, but generally run a credible game and has the advantage of commitment to a group. He does however like to indulge at our expense. I'm talking the kinky sex scenes.
But what's the problem?
I'm a fan of sex in games, I don't mind the occasionally sado-masochistic romp (though not out of game, hurt me and there is nasty, vengeful pouting), but Tiger does it often, relentlessly, unsubtly. Plus he makes it terribly unsexy, hickeys on hands? That's off.
It has had its amusing moments, my quite conservative friend's character in a threesome with two hot women, not bad yet, he's kinda getting into it - then Tiger tells him that one of them has just penetrated him vigorously with a dildo. His face was priceless.
I would have loved to see it.
But we are beginning to get very bored with it. Tried the talking to him about it thang. He just don't care.
Any suggestions, that don't involve us leaving him?
Well not really, because personally, I'd be well up for it.
P.S. Do all roleplaying communities have a "Bubba"?
Well I had thought ours was pretty unique.
Bazil wanted to know about Wibble:
In response to your artice about RPG cliches mentioning vacuum packed dungeons I have started to produce maps of dungeons designed to actually work were they constructed in the real world and if orcs etc actually existed. This may in fact result in the players stumbling across a kitchen full of halfling slaves,a storeroom full of dry bread and black puddings(yum yum!), or worse still a latrine full off goblin excrement (You are walking along a dark stone walled corridor. A perversely nauseating smell is coming from behind a wooden door on your left. Please take willpower tests to avoid vomiting.). Also I will take this opportunity to thank you for writing such an excellent magasine full of lovely sadistic toys for GMs. Byeee!
Did you not actually have a problem?
If you have any problems you'd like Doctor Bubba to help you with, then drop a line to email@example.com. We can't promise to help, and we'll probably make things worse, but we're enthusiastic, and more importantly, free.
Copyright © 2003 Critical Miss Gaming Society