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Issue 9 Winter 2003      The Magazine for Dysfunctional Roleplayers

Hi Folks, here's issue 9.

Now I have to confess that this issue doesn't quite contain as much stuff as the usual issue of Critical Miss. I'm afraid that I've got a fair few things going on at the moment, and I haven't been able to devote as much time to CM as I would like to. But I had some stuff done, and I didn't want to leave it just pending for ever. So I decided I'd just go with what I had.

Of course, if you're a new reader you've got eight other issues to be ploughing through.

We're still gaming away, usually badly, still having trouble remembering our PC's proper names. And I'm still daydreaming pointless things, the latest being daft soaplines, like this one for Eastenders and this one for Neighbours.

Last issue's piece about how James Wallis ruined my character's life and James's hilarious reply kicked off a furious and rather funny bout of swearing on RPGNet, with James Wallis himself weighing in with the obscenities.

(Thinking of RPGNet, I can't help but think of one of the funniest threads I've read on there, which began when someone started a thread entitled simply: "Kevin Smith dies").

Anyway, here's Issue 9. Hope you like it.

Jonny Nexus, Editor, Critical Miss Magazine.

P.S. Another of my Valkyrie articles is up, this time on the subject of history.


Guide Wolfgang's Guide To Screwing Your Fellow PCs

Those of you who've read our previous issue will no doubt recall Fat Gregor's rant about the pitiful state of his life. Well one of his fellow PCs mentioned in that article was Wolfgang, played by TAFKAC, and since that article came out a few things have come to light about what Wolfgang has been doing behind Fat Gregor and Ulrich's backs.

This is what he's been secretly getting up to. Discuss this article...


Report Gaelcon... Probably The Greatest Convention In The World

While shopping at GenCon we bumped into some of the guys behind Gaelcon, Ireland's biggest convention, and they suggested we come on over. Demonic and Bubba couldn't make it. But me, Bog Boy, Mark and Evil G. took up their offer. And it was good. It was very, very good.

WARNING:- This might not be quite as funny as previous convention reports, but then there's nothing quite so funny as a bitter, enraged man on a psychotic 5000 word rant. Discuss this article...


Report Dragonmeet... A Pretty Good Convention

A few of us volunteered to be gophers at Dragonmeet, which is probably the best convention in the UK. It was pretty interesting, allowing us the opportunity to see the other side of a convention, and we still managed to have a few laughs. Discuss this article...


Rant How Necromancer Games Made Us Very Upset

A little while back, one of our readers came across something that Necromancer Games had written about us on their on-line forum. When we read what they'd said about us, we were pretty upset, because the allegations they'd made were - we felt - totally unfair.

We'd like to know what you think. Are we right to be upset? This article gives the whole history of the saga, including our efforts to contact them. After you'd read it, we'd be grateful if you'd take the time to visit our Feedback section, and let us know your opinion. Discuss this article...


Free Game Troll: The Provoking

We've come up with some pretty dodgy games in the past. We allowed you to indulge in spanking, water sports and anal fisting in Porno!; we allowed you to live off immoral earnings in Pimp: The Free Collectable Card Game; and we allowed you to nuke the crap out of Europe in, well, Nuke The Crap Out Of Europe.

But now we've come up with our most socially reprehensible game yet. We're gonna let you indulge in that most loathsome of activities. Trolling.

Welcome to the world of Troll: The Provoking. Discuss this article...


Free Game CLIQUE: The Uncollectable, Unplayable Card Game

Pissed off by the card geeks with their killer decks stuffed with rare cards? Feeling excluded? What to get your own back?

Syn offers a solution. Discuss this article...


Guide Falling: A Beginner's Guide

We've all had our characters cornered on the edge of a wall or cliff, and wondered: "Fight or flight? Should we stay or should we go?"

But just how far can you fall and still walk away? You need to calculate your PCFS (Percentage Chance of Falling Survival) and this article explains how. Discuss this article...


Thought Secret Handshakes For Roleplayers

You probably think that you don't know many roleplayers. But how would you know? There could be a dozen people at your work who roleplay, but you wouldn't know. After all, you haven't told anyone at work that you roleplay, have you?

We need a way to let fellow roleplayers know that we roleplay, without bringing down the public ridicule of non-roleplayers upon our heads. We need a secret handshake. Discuss this article...


Tip Semi-Sentient Biped Pack Animals

Frustrated at the limitations of your packhorse? Want something more flexible? Don't fancy leaving Dobbin munching grass by the cave mouth while you head deep into the dungeon?

You need a semi-sentient biped pack animal. I got one. You could too. Discuss this article...


Report How I Learnt To Stop Worrying And Love LRP

Ed Fortune describes how he overcame his initial doubts about live roleplaying. Discuss this article...


Stuff More Reader's Own NAMGs

In our Issue 7 we included a guide to producing your own New Age Mythos Game. This issue, some more of our readers rose to the challenge. Here's what they came up with. Discuss this article...


Free Game BURPS: The Banally Unimaginative Role Playing System

Tired of over-detailed, rules-bound gaming systems? Then Ed Kolis has the answer to your prayers. Discuss this article...


Boring The Stuff I Got Wrong(Ish) About D20

Since I wrote last issue about how I wasn't a huge fan of the basic D20 task resolution mechanism, I've received a fair number of emails from people pointing out the the mechanism I described wasn't exactly the one used in D20.

Well, let me try to explain... Discuss this article...


Stuff Free VIP Tickets For Gen Con Europe

We've got two VIP tickets for Gen Con Europe which Bubba bought in the Dragonmeet charity auction, and we're going to give them away to one of you readers. Which reader?

Well there's a quiz for you to do. Discuss this article...


Service Forum

A couple of issues ago we launched a forum, which has been bubbling away nicely ever since. The original article is probably the best place to learn about just what the forum is, but we thought we'd take the chance now to just highlight some of the things we've been using the forum for. Discuss this article...


Agony Ask Doctor Bubba

Hey! It's more crap advice! Discuss this article...



Hey People, Happy New Year!

Hope you all had a great time over the New Year. As my other half was away on holiday I spent the night at a Pimps and Pornstars Ball, dancing the  night away with a bunch of scantily clad women.

But back to business...

So here we are with Issue 9, I know its been too long for some of you but it looks like you  may have to make the most of this issue for a while. I know Jonny feels like this issue is  a little slim but I don't feel that way. If anything I think that other issues have been a little big. I guess we'll let you decide.

Dragonmeet has been the highlight of my Critical Miss year, I had a great time though my feet were killing me by the end of the day. A BIG thanks to everyone who organised and helped to make the event so good. Unfortunately I didn't make it to Galecon as I was Down Under, and due to work commitments I probably won't make Warpcon either. I'm working on going to the next Galecon, especially after the gushing review Jonny and the guys gave it.

If you haven't already done so, check out the IMHO, The Forums, Feedback, Top Ten, Soul Thought and Gaming Records sections. And again if you haven't already done so and want to know when we publish Issue 10 then just subscribe and we'll get an e-mail out to ya when the next issue is online.

Anyway I have to get a couple of bits done for the next issue, and it already past 3am.  If you see us around at conventions over the year please feel free to come up and say Hi, its always good to meet readers.

Peace Init...

Bubba, Webmaster, Critical Miss Magazine.


Critical Miss Magazine is published four times a year  three times a year when we can be arsed, by the Critical Miss Gaming Society.

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