Critical Miss: Issue 3 (Ask Doctor Bubba)

Ask Doctor Bubba

Dear Doctor Bubba,

I have a friend who was feeling pretty stressed out and down, so I went shopping for a gift. Anyhow, I went to one of those gift and card type shops and found the perfect present for her. It was this little green alien guy with funny hairy ears. According to the shop assistant, he was really good at helping people who were having problems coping with life on account of how he taught this Buddhist shit.

I was a little skeptical, especially when she said that he'd spent 900 years living on this swamp planet, but he didn't actually smell, and he came with a free, blue canvas bag which you could use to carry him around on your back, so I paid up (�29.99) and got them to wrap him up. Then I posted him off to my friend and waited for her to call.

A few days later she called to say that he had arrived. I asked her if he had said anything profound (the shop assistant had said something about "there is no try, there is only do") but my friend said he wasn't saying anything. He was just sitting there.

I went round to her place, thinking that perhaps the little guy was a bit traumatised after the journey, but sure enough, he was just sitting there, not saying a word. Not even moving in fact. At all. Well this wasn't on.

I pulled his pack onto my back and set off to the shop to demand my money back. I stormed into there and began to point out a few salient points. "This is an ex-little green guy!" I pointed out. "He has gone to meet his maker. Bereft of live he merely sits there. In short, he is dead!"

At first they were laughing, but then when I carried on they started to say things like: "Piss off, right now you fucking lunatic, or we'll set the police on you!"

What should I do? They won't give me my money back, and my friend says that a dead, decomposing Buddhist alien is "about as much use as a chocolate teapot... like what... is this ghostly figure going to appear to give me advice at moments of extreme stress!"

Please help me,

Desperate in Dorking.

Dear Desperate,

Are you sure the alien guy's really dead? I mean you hear some pretty weird shit about these Buddhist freaks, slowing down their heartbeats, suspended animation and all that crap. He might just be sleeping. Perhaps he's pining for the swamps. Try pricking him with a needle, and if that doesn't work holding a lit cigarette lighter to his skin.

If that doesn't work either you could check out what the local laws are regarding pet shops. (He isn't human, so he probably qualifies as an animal). They might have broken some kind of bye-law, so you could report them to the local council and get them shut down. Like they say, don't get mad, go apeshit.

General Tangent came out with a totally bizarre theory. Personally we (Bubba and Jonny) think he's finally flipped, but we might as well repeat it, just to humour him. He reckons that what you bought is actually some kind of novelty rucksack / stuffed toy and that if you try what we suggested with the cigarette lighter the "fucker might catch fire in a rather unpleasant manner."

Total loon, eh? :)

Feelings for a friend...