Critical Miss: Issue 3 (What You Guys Need Is A Lawyer!)

What You Guys Need Is A Lawyer!

GM & Game System Selection

To be able to manipulate the game you must have the right GM and the right games system. Although there is no particular order to these selections, let's look at the issue of GM selection first.

Selecting The GM

GMs are like judges. Some will allow a ruthless attorney to ride roughshod over them. Others rule their court with a rod of iron and take no crap from anyone. Some GMs can't be rules lawyered. Learn who they are and don't even try to take them on.

Parlan walked into the centre of the circle, looked skyward and shook his fist. "I don't care if you did create this universe! Stone circle's can't be enchanted by less than 5 wizards and that's----"

Yarnn stared at the patch of smoking grass in shock. It wasn't like he'd never seen a lightning bolt before. But usually it had been announced in advance by clouds and rain and shit like that.

What you need is someone who favours rules over common sense and consensus over decisions. Someone who will allow a group ruling to overrule his initial judgment. Someone who will say: "it sounds pretty stupid, but that is what the rule appears to say..."

In addition, an element of social insecurity is a definite advantage. A games master who is secretly scared that nobody likes him and that everyone wants to throw him out of the group, is clearly going to be more susceptible to persuasion.

How can you detect such a person? Well you can look at some ways in which they behave. Examine the following list and see which applies to them:

When walking in landscaped areas he stays on the paths rather than take a short-cut across the grass (+10 points).

As a player he engages in party killing (-50 points).

He tends to be the one getting killed (+50 points).

When washing his hair he applies and rinses the shampoo, twice, because that's what it says on the bottle (+5 points).

He has a criminal record (-20 points).

He thinks this is a serious article and is reading it for advice (+30 points).

He cheats whilst playing (-30 points).

When he applied for his driving license, and the form asked if he could read a number plate (license plate) from 100 feet actually went outside into the street, paced out the distance, and tested himself (+10 points).

If the total you end up with is a high positive number, then he is a good candidate for a games master (who can be lawyered).

Bizarrely Bad Judgments

One easy way to determine which of the players in your group would make an easily manipulated GM, is to GM yourself for a session, but deliver some incredibly bad judgments. Those players who accept those judgments without argument or protest clearly have an exaggerated respect towards both rules and rulings and would therefore be susceptible to ruthless rules lawyering.

Of course an evening of truly shit GMing will also ensure that you will not be asked to assume the burden of GMing again for the foreseeable future. (Bonus).

Shit GMing can involve ignoring, and even reversing, standard rules:

Okay Jerry, you rolled a natural 20 for your attack on the bear. That would normally be a critical hit, but in this case it's a critical miss. You've dropped your sword. It falls to the ground and snaps in half.

Alternatively, you could try making up new, really stupid, rules extensions:

The rank stench of the tavern assailed the nostrils as Yarnn the Mighty, Jaccotan the Bastard and Merron the Wise entered; walking through the open doorway in search of some good food and a pitcher of ale (and in Jaccotan's case a quick screw with one of the scrubbers who worked the upstairs room).

Yarnn approached the landlord. "It fucking stinks in here! What d'ya put on the floor - raw sewage?"

Before the landlord could answer, one of the drinkers at a nearby table got up and approached Yarnn. He wore a battered brown leather tunic, and stank. Really badly. "You got a problem mate?" he asked.

Yarnn, mid-level adventurer that he was, looked the workman up and down and smirked: "Who's asking?"

The man stood his ground. "Darmok the Sewerman, that's who!"

That explains the smell, thought Yarnn, sniggering. The man reached down beneath the table and pulled out a battered shovel.

"Do you know what I do every day?"

Yarnn was beginning to get annoyed. Why couldn't the little shit just sod off and take his stink with him.

"I kill rats," the man continued, holding up the shovel. "Dozens of them. Dozens of rats every day for the past 15 years. Do you know what that means?"

"Er... no."

"It means that I'm a 28th level sewerman. My mate Jennon is 25th level, and there's not a man at that table below 15th. What was it you were saying to my friend the landlord?"

Yarnn squeaked out a response. "Three pitchers of ale and a packet of smoky bacon crisps..?"

Okay, so we've got the wrong games master.

How do we get the wrong games system..?